Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.

“That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.”

The last week has been hard. Really hard. Hard for me and hard on Spencer because he cant do anything to help me and it really bothers him. And Alikah can tell and that kills me.

You would think after 12 years of dealing with this it would get easier. But every single time it attacks me, it knocks me to the ground. Makes you feel like complete shit, you know? I hate it.

I am back on all my meds and hopefully will be able to make peace with myself soon. Until then I have my loves. I can be mean and resentful during these times, and I am so lucky to have someone that understands and loves me through it.

“When I looked at you, my life made sense. Even the bad things made sense. They were necessary to make you possible.”

Im sorry, Ill be back to normal updating soon. 

now we wait

*Court went okay on Friday. I will say this: I (for the most part) "got what I wanted" without doing anything. People, if you are mean and thrive off of drama its going to come back around. This whole ordeal that started with his parents taking me to court, is ending with me being out of the picture and him and his parents going to trial. Kind of back-fired on them.

*Saturday Spencer and I had a really nice time. Alikah was at nonna's and once we got back to our house we just sat around doing nothing with Harper. We went up to bed early and just laid there talking for awhile, which we almost never get to do. I wanted him to give me a back massage.....Do you know how hard that is when you are 9 months pregnant? Obviously cant lay on you stomach like I normally would, laying sideways doesnt work, and sitting up is so uncomfortable. Anyway, about a minute in he was reaching for massage oil and knocked over my full cup of water. All over the floor, my books, the bed. MY side of the bed :( It was a bad idea haha.

*Sunday we went for a walk and took some maternity pictures. I dont like any of just me. Spencer did a really good job, I just dont like how I look at all. You can tell how uncomfortable I am. We took a couple of both of us right before we left and they turned out to be the only ones I was happy with. But thats okay because we needed some new ones! (And Spencer looks really hott.) 

*Alikah is still in love with school and tomorrow they are taking a little field trip to the fire station! Seriously, what a perfect 1st field trip for a girl that sometimes says she wants to be a fire fighter when she grows up. Im so excited for her! (and kind of jealous that I wont be there to see it.)

*Lastly: I had an appointment this morning. I told her I felt like *something* was happening and asked her to check me. 3 cm dilated and 80% effaced! Ya! His heart-rate has slowed down and she said hes definitely getting ready to come. 

speak less

Alikah - 3 1/4 years

She makes me so proud. Everyday she says and does something that just amazes me. She is the sweetest girl. So understanding. I love her so much. She tries so hard to be patient with Harper, and the older he gets the more they play together and get along. I just love watching them. She can make him laugh more than anyone else and its always been that way. When we were cheering for him to walk, she always wanted to go hold his hand and help him. 

*The other day I was wet-jetting Harper's bedroom and he started crying. He was downstairs and Alikah and I were upstairs. Theres a gate on the bottom step. I knew Alikah went by him, so I told her Id be done in 1 minute and to just hang on. When I got by them, Alikah said, "Dont worry mama! I caught him! I saved him!" Harper was pulling on the gate so hard that he got the top parts loose and it started to fall. Alikah had caught it and was holding it up, with him on it, so that he wouldnt fall down a step. 

•She tells me when Im "not being nice" or that "I shouldnt do that" when I am frustrated/when I yell.

•We do a weekly sticker chart. She gets stickers for: bringing down her cups in the morning, being patient, using manners, sharing with Harper, eating all her food, and cleaning up messes. She loves it.

•Shes been doing really good the last few days with only having her nunu while shes sleeping.

•She can spell her name & is working on writing all the letters. Shes learning easy addition (1+1 and 1+2.)

•Whenever she gets in trouble or sent to her room she draws me a picture. Its always a smiley face and when she gives it to me she says, "so you wont be mad at me anymore." I always tell her Im never mad at her, but she keeps doing it. 

•She prefers talking to older people. Especially adults. She can have full conversations with anyone. She usually introduces herself, "Im Alikah. I have a cat named Stabler."

Harper - 13 months

I love this little boy like crazy. Harper is so happy that he is getting bigger. He loves discovering new things. He is walking more and more everyday. He is so independent, smart, and shy. I want to say that hes quiet but my head just shouts NO HES NOT! Because when Harper screams - he screams. He is hilarious and we often say (and have other people tell us) that he is going to be trouble because he is so brave. He gets into everything and is climbing all over the place. 

•He has the hardest head ever. If he whips that thing around and happens to get you, it hurts like fuck. He could probably break your nose. His newest nickname is Hard-head Harper.

•He fake laughs super loud whenever we laugh and it is awesome. 

•He loves books. Sometimes hes being too quiet and we look for him, only to find him sitting in a corner flipping through a book. 

•He dumps out bins of toys then picks them up. He will transfer the play food from its basket to the shopping cart. When we were just at my parents he was picking up all of Luke's hot-wheels and putting them away.

•He loves music. We were at Stefanies bridal shower on Saturday and they had a stereo and speakers in the garage. Harper was trying to find out where the sound was coming from and I held him up and pointed out the speakers. After that he didnt want to leave. Everyone was out in the yard but Harper was just hanging out in the middle of the garage, swaying back and forth all by himself. Adorable. 

•Harper is a cancer, like me, and I keep noticing new similarities. Maybe that is why we have had our troubles. We are too much alike :)

whats important to us...

-I want to always have a strong, open and honest relationship with Spencer. We hold this all together.
-I want my kids to be open minded & accepting. Happy, nice kids that are full of love.
-I want our home to always be a safe place. Calm, comfortable, somewhere we can all relax.
-I want to spend most of our days laughing and smiling.
-I never want the kids to wake up to me in a bad mood. If Im not ready for the day to start or I am frustrated when Harper wakes up from a nap, I need to just wait. Calm down & go get him up and out of his crib in a good, happy mood :)
-It bothers me sometimes that I dont cook "nice" meals for us. I am not a fan of our house being messy and/or dirty. But sometimes I really need to step back and realize that these things are not that important. I am the only one that notices how "dirty" it is. My kids dont see a difference between buttered noodles or gourmet steak. And actually they would prefer the plain noodles. They are so young. We am so young. I have so much time to cook, clean and decorate the house. There is no need to rush. It will all fall into place. It really will.

Ive decided not to make any changes until the baby is born. Seems pointless to change something now, just to need to change it again in 2 or 3 months.

We have also been dealing with M's family lately and I am having a really hard time trying to understand it all. I cant even describe how much anger I have towards them. It has quickly gone from anger towards him - to anger towards them all. And I hate it! I hate that I am still dealing with this. Im mad at myself for getting into this situation. I can not stand people that live for drama. It seriously makes me sick. Im looking forward to the day that its all over, and like Ive said before I think I will write a long post reflecting on all of it once it is.

"Everything that has a beginning, has an ending. Make your peace with that and all will be well." Buddha

an announcement

Yes. Hi. Welcome.

I'M PREGNANT!

First things first:

His due date is November 5th.

So I am 22 weeks/5 months!

ITS A BOY!

His name is Boden. 

And heres some things to get you all caught up!
-No, we were not trying.
-The first thing I said after I got a positive test: "No FUCKING way!"
-We got pregnant the week of our wedding.
-I am seeing a midwife. I like her but I miss my old doctor so much.
-I was 95% positive it was a girl. This pregnancy was almost identical to Alikah. How I felt, my symptoms and cravings & how I was carrying had me convinced it was a girl.
-We found out it was a BOY on June 21st, Harper's first birthday! He must have wished for a brother ;)

So this little guy is definitely a trickster. 

After we found out it was a boy I made Harper a onesie that says, "I turned ONE and all I got was a little brother."

Both of my parents reacted exactly how I thought they would. My mom was almost word-for-word.
My dad didnt get it at first and then said, "You're pregnant again?"
He also added: "You how far along? You waited this long to tell us?! Well, took longer than I expected. One of you needs to get fixed."
I got my mom & sisters reaction on video, so Ill post it her eventually :)
I told my sister in the Philippines to call me and once I said I was pregnant she said, "Sign on to Skype!"

Spencer wanted to tell his parents, so he was in charge of all that..

I still cant even believe Im pregnant! It was hard to keep it secret so long, especially at the very end when we found out it was a boy and I started showing more. I think know what everyone knows these last few months will fly by!

my boys

xx

a few days

oh my

Sunday after I finished taking my sweet time in the shower and getting ready to went and dropped Harper off at the in-laws.We spent a few hours at Applebees eating, drinking and talking. It was really relaxing. I needed it.
We did end up going to the movies, too. Spencer found some giftcards in the car that we had gotten and used awhile ago. We thought there was only a few dollars on them, but nope! They paid for the movie & pretzel bites! So that was a nice surprise :)
We saw The Five Year Engagement. It was a good movie, funny, and not what I was expecting really.
A white-haired couple was in the row in front of us and they werent a fan of the jokes haha. One line in the movie is something like, "it sucks my dick!" and the lady turned to her husband and goes, "Oh my!!"
It was adorable. After the movie we picked up Alikah then went back to Spencer's parents. Alikah opened her birthday presents and we came home. It was pouring so I tried to focus on my magazine and not have a heart attack. We survived. This picture has nothing to do with this post but Ive been going through 2 years worth of pictures to finally start the kids DVDs and I found this picture today. I love love love it.

2.14.2012

MARRIED!!

The day before.

Today was weird. Woke up, went to the laundromat, Spencer took the kids and ran some errands, I cleaned and finished designing our wedding programs. Boxed. Took a nice relaxing bath....
I walked to the laundromat while they were gone to put the clothes in the dryer and on the walk back I was like, "I am getting married tomorrow." Just like, eh, no big deal. It was such a totally normal day for us and it helped me realize we definitely made the right decision by getting married in the courthouse. So stress free. So us. Just...laid back. Nothing is going to change in our lives besides my last name.
It feels good.
Itll take 5 minutes for us to get married tomorrow. Then well be back home with our parents, eating dinner and having some drinks.

Of course the craziness for the reception will start on Thursday. Well be going to Waukesha then, I have to print and get ready 150 programs. Need to finish our card box. I still have no idea what we are doing for wedding favors. We need candle holders and string lights. They are setting up our reception room tomorrow actually, so we can go whenever to decorate and what not.
Friday my mom, Heather and I have nail and waxing appointments.
Then Saturday is the day. Hair and makeup at noon. On location at 5 for pictures.
Show-time at 7.
I know on Saturday Ill be peeing my pants, especially before I give my "speech" but right now, Im just looking forward to tomorrow. To being Mrs. Katt :)

(The Dells was a blast by the way - I will update about that...Wednesday maybe?)

the next week in wedding

Well yesterday we went and got our marriage license! It was such a pain though because we had to go to the Social Security office to get me a new SSC, then to the courthouse in Waukesha because we both needed new birth certificates. But we just went and got our license in Waukesha and Spencers mom is going to pick it up for us when they come up for the wedding.

Speaking of our date changed. Its not been the 12th anymore for awhile now but we will officially be getting married on February 14th at 4:00 :)

Today I have to call the photographer and reception hall for last minute details. Tonight at 6 I go back to the bridal shop to try on my dress! And hopefully bring it home!

Friday-Sunday we are going to the Dells with the kids, my dad, sister, brother, and my sisters friend. Heather coaches volleyball there and she thought it would be fun for us all to go as a last-minute wedding trip! This is only the 2nd time Spencer has been to the Dells (first was Alikahs 2nd birthday) so hes very excited haha. Alikah is too, of course. We all are.

Then Tuesday we get married!!!
And next Saturday is the reception. I cant believe its time!!

another list

-Spencer has his 2nd interview at a big company this morning! Debbie is somehow related to someone that works there, so it was the first place she suggested to us.
-Yesterday we went and ate at one of the few restaurants around here. It was cool/empty and Alikah got everyones attention of course. She kept talking to our waitress and complimenting her "cool nails!" Oh and they have free ice cream!
-Alikah has been diaper-free except for naps and bed time. Shes actually peeing on the big toilet now! We tried diaper-free sleeping the other day....definitely had to take her stuff to the laundromat. Oh well. Im very proud of her.
-Harper is getting great at sitting! He DIDNT like "Chicken Noodle" baby food. Tried it three days in a row and he was not having it. So Im thinking he doesnt like meats yet. Surprising. Little chunker monker.-Just called a closer bridal shop for my dress alterations because ummmmm were getting married in a MONTH. I go next Tuesday but we'll have to pay extra for a rush order because Im stupid and procrastinate like cahrazy. Actually though, I WAS emailing someone else that said they can still do it but they are taking forever and since we moved now its over an hour away. No thanks. Stil waiting on an email from our floral lady for when to some in to see some samples of centerpieces! :)
-Alikah's going to Nonna's tomorrow. Were meeting them in West Bend. Then she comes home on Sunday and were probably going to my parents. Honestly I am unhappy with this situation. I understand they want to see her. But yeah, Its going to get cut down quite a bit. We arent even sure if we are going to be telling them our new address or not.
-Still snowing like crazy! Love it.

Weekend.

Saturday Alikah got picked up at 9:30 and I went back to sleep from 10 to almost 2!! I had super weird dreams so it wasnt the most energizing sleep but it was still great.

Spencer was gone with Harper so I went to the gym to run for an hour.
My dumbass accidently pushed the emergency stop lever while changing the TV station so I dont have exact numbers for the day...but I was waiting for the 25 minute mark to start a sprint so I think I was around 23 minutes when I pushed it.
I restarted it for 45 more minutes and at the end I came up with 4.98 miles, so Im giving myself the benefit of the doubt and saying 5 miles :) And around 465 calories. I had to stop and stretch? (bend? you cant stretch your knees right?) my knees twice during this hour which was frustrating so I took a bath when I got home hoping it would help. I put too many bubbles in.

Yesterday Spencer had Harper laughing. He was changing his diaper and I was in he kitchen and he was like "Hurry come here come here!!" and OH MY GOD it was the cutest freaking thing ever!! Ahhh.

Today Spencer and Harper were gone all morning again so I had lots of alone time this weekend! They got home around 4 and then we got ready and went to the park to take some pictures. We wanted some new pictures of us and some of us with Harper but he was but passed out in his stroller like 2 minutes in and we were not about to wake him up so we'll do those pictures a different day. To be honest we took about 80 pictures and I like....5. I hate how I look right now. But Ill post the ones I do like in an entry tomorrow hopefully.

Alikah came home at 7:30 and she was TIRED (no nap). But she insisted on watching "one more movie" until 9:30 which is her usual bedtime. Spencer came with us for reading time tonight and she had us both in tears from laughing so hard. Right when he laid down she looked at me and was like, "Dadas sleeping in my bed. WHAT are you DOING Dada?" and then on a book page that had a picture of money she goes, "Remember...I watch Spongebob on TV and Mr.Krabs likes MONEY!!!" Im sooo happy shes home.

Every night I say, "Goodnight, I love you, you mean everything to me." Usually she doesnt want me to leave but says, "Night, love you, I mean everything to you."
Today after she said that she goes....."Now leave me alone," and rolled over!! I went in an hour later and she hadnt moved an inch haha, she passed out immediately. I have a feeling shell be sleeping in tomorrow. Too bad Harper wont! :)

Gym/Weight Update & Weekend

Thursday 9/15 - Ran 2.25 miles at 4.5-4.9 mph. Burned 223 calories.

Friday 9/16 - No one was there. I road the bike for 20 minutes and watched Dateline. I didnt write anything down. I like burning calories, so Im sticking to running.

Saturday 9/17 and Sunday 9/18 I didnt go.

Monday 9/19 - Ran 2.97 miles at 5.8 mph. Burned 308 calories.

Tuesday 9/20 - Ran 2.8 miles at 5.5 and 6 mph but took 3 or 4 walking breaks. I stomach felt really weird, I think I drank too much water without really eating anything. Burned 270 calories.

Wednesday 9/21 - Didnt go. We had to go to Men's Warehouse to get Spencer fitted for a tux for Jared's wedding. OH and not gym related at all but it was the SVU season premiere WITH OUT Elliot :( So depressing.

Thursday 9/22 - SOMEONE WAS ON MY TREADMILL. I drove right past the gym haha. (OCD is a bitch.) So I ran around the neighborhood we live next to. BUT remember when I said "Im making it a new goal to get to the point where I can run the whole way"? I ran the whole way! I was pretty proud, I kept wanting to stop but its almost like my body wouldnt let me.

Friday 9/23 - Ran 3.05 miles! Best yet so that makes me happy. I did 5.8 mph for a mile and a half, then a 2 minute break at 3.4 mph, then the rest at 6 mph. Burned 320 calories.

Anyways, when I first wrote August 5th I weighed 126. I ended up gaining weight after that and right now Im at 134/135. It pisses me off but also keeps me motivated so whatever.

Tomorrow were going to Spencer's work friend Chris's wedding. We're bringing Alikah because she lovvveeess weddings but Heather is going to watch Harper.

And then on Sunday its my mom's birthday so when we go to pick up Harper well be staying for her birthday lunch.

Should be a fun weekend!He always tries to hold his own bottle. Such a big buddy.

Books, Baby and 24

Wednesday Heather asked us to come over so we ended up at my parents house for dinner. Heather gave Alikah 5 animal tattoos from our zoo trip; one on her belly and one on each arm and leg. She was pretty amazed.
Alikah loves being outside so shes really enjoying the warmer weather. She wandered away from us a few times and every time we found her down by the sandbox, playing alone. Exploring. Happy.Thursday we went to the library again. Alikah was doing puzzles and building towers while I found some books for us. She made a block tower taller than she was and came running to get me to show me. She was so proud of herself. I wish I would have had my camera on me haha. Then when I checked on again I found her talking to a girl that was probably 3 or 4 years older than her about a Spongebob DVD. Then after I changed her diaper in the bathroom Alikah walked right back over to the girl and goes, "Hi. Can I have a hug?" She talked to her for the rest of the time. It was so cute :)Friday was Spencer's birthday! I wrote him a letter. And I got him a son ;)
Alikah crawled into bed with me in the morning and I told her and she started singing "Happy Birthday to you!"
When he called on his break and lunch the first thing she said both times was, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADA!"
We were still in my bed after nap time when he came home from work but first thing she said again - "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADA!"
Spencer really enjoys going to my parents and drinking some beer with my dad and the neighbors so we went over there again for his birthday. My dad ordered Micheal's for dinner and we played outside and had a huge bonfire.Everyone had a good time - Alikah cried when we left because she wanted to build more turtles in the sand. She didnt get to bed until after 10:30. We were all tiiirreddd. (And Spencer was drunk :) Spencer's friends from his old 3rd shift job go to a bar every Saturday morning and he decided to go today for his birthday, etc. He got home at 11? 12? I dont really remember. But then I was lazy for the rest of the day. Him and Alikah played outside a lot and we all took a nap together. After dinner we all went for a walk.
Tomorrow Im going to the mall and out to dinner with my mom & sisters for Mother's Day.
It was a good week :)
My blood sugar levels have been good every time I tested since Wednesday.
Harper has been moving like crazy! Before all the movements felt the same but now I can tell if its a tiny hand or foot or his little head or butt! Alikah has been saying "Hi" to him and giving him kisses. The other morning in bed I told her that he was awake and she goes, "Hi baby Harper! Are you moving?....Can I kiss him now?"
They amaze me.

Flash Burn

Spencer went into work on Sunday morning and ended up getting flash burn on his eyes. Hes had it twice before and both times he ended up in the ER at 3 in the morning.
We didnt want to have to wake up Alikah in the middle of the night and throw off all of our sleep schedules so we decided to go right to the ER, before it got really bad.
It was packed and we were there from 4:30 - 7:30. He got some drops and a prescription for ointment and Vicodin.

Alikah thought it was pretty damn fun, especially going up and down on the chair. She was really cute and everytime we moved rooms or talked to a new person shed ask Spencer, "Are you all better now?"

On Monday he wasnt feeling good at all and came home on his lunch break then called us right before nap time. Alikah takes the phone and goes, "Hi Dada! Are you feel better? Love you!"
(He did feel better after that :)

Ever since I told Spencer that Kitten is starting to recognize voices now, he has been saying Hi to them everyday and telling them that he loves them and cant wait for them to be here.
Yesterday while we were being lazy in bed he kissed my bump and said, "Me and Mommy are going to sleep in a couple hours and you will probably wake up then. You make her have crazy dreams. I hope you and Mommy can sleep in tomorrow...we are supposed to be getting a lot of snow. You dont know what that is yet but you will probably like it! I love you.."

A lot of times I wonder how I got so lucky.