Summer update! Long! Ah..

Hi! Okay for real this time Im going to start updating again. (And I wont delete this, promise Amanda Burg. ;) )   This is going to be a little update on everyone!

Grade: 4K
Favorite Color: Black
Favorite Food: Mac N Cheese
Favorite Subject: Playing
Favorite Movie: Big Hero 6
Favorite Summer Memory: Going swimming a lot!
Harper is doing amazing in school. We were alittle worried since hes really young and....well, hes Harper. But hes doing great. His teacher said hes such a happy kid and really wants to learn. Hes alittle bit to talkative but were all working on that haha. He loves it and is excited every day to go.

Grade: 1st
Favorite Color: Pink
Favorite Food: Apples, carrots, Cosmic Brownies, Spongebob Mac N Cheese
Favorite Subject: The Specials...like gym, computer, library
Favorite Movie: The Croods, The Little Mermaid
Favorite Summer Memory: Going to the beach a lot!
We definitely werent worried about Alikah and she is doing great too. Harper has a reading log and sometimes Alikahs homework is to read so she reads a book to Harper every night (getting both of their things done at once woo!) Alikah spent a lot of extra time at Nonnas this summer and loved it.

Im actually really surprised how well Ive fallen into the "school year" schedule. I get their backpacks ready the night before (And Alikahs lunch if shes having cold lunch), try to go to bed by 11, get Alikah and Harper up at 7:15, they alternate showering every other day, get them all ready to go. Their bus comes at 8 and then I usually go back to sleep for like an hour until Bodhi wakes up around 9. Some days though (like today) Harper woke him up so no nap for me haha.
Then me and Bodhi hang out until we go pick up Harper at 11.

Speaking of Bodhi:

He loves making "garages" and "train stations" with the wooden blocks. I can be on the computer in here and hell just play quitetly building his little cities behind me. He still loves Thomas. Hes very smart and funny. Love playing with Alikah and Harper. Hes scared of spiders and cars...if were walking anywhere and a car drive passed he starts screaming because he thinks theyre going to hit us. (Im guessing he got that fear from me haha) Hes still in his crib with his cribbies and music.
Favorite Food: Chicken, mandarin oranges, crackers
Favorite Color: Blue
Favorite Movie: I like Thomas
Favorite Toy: Gordon (train)
     (Harper just chimed in and said his favorite toy was Spencer (the train) )


Okay so me. Ive been pretty good.
Most people that know me know that last year was pretty rough.
Just a little refresher because I dont think Ive wrote about it since last year....After Marshall died I kind of lost my mind for awhile. The doctor I ended up seeing was phenomenal and I finally got on the right meds for my bipolar and OCD. I also got on the right meds for my heart and havent been to the hospital in months thankfully!!
This article is so true. The waves still come, but less often. I cant say they arent as hard though. Id day when they hit me theyre still 100 feet tall.

(His ashes.)

But I feel okay most of the time. Sometimes I do feel....boring? Numb? But I know I need to stay on my meds. Its the best for everyone.

We had an awesome summer. Spent a lot of time at the lake near by. Went to "A Day Out With Thomas"  on Harper's birthday. Had sleepovers with grandmas and grandpas. Stayed at hotels for fun (or when it was too damn hot in our house!) Lots of backyard swimming in the $10 inflatable pool we bought (cannot believe it lasted all summer haha) and cookouts, bonfires. We were in a parade for Spencers work and the kids loveddd that. Went up north to the cabin - For the last time!! Before the new one gets built! Thats pretty bittersweet. Went to my first Packers game at Lambeau with Spencer. Never again. Way too many people and I dont even like football lol.

I did not walk with my Nike+ AT ALL this Summer....Ill planning on starting again with the boys after we pick Harper up from school, once it cools down. Theres no way Id go work out in 90 degree heat...



And something Im SO excited about....Spencer got a new job! A fucking GREAT new job! I am so proud of him. It is a HUGE pay increase and great benefits. Its going to be so awesome for us.
I posted on facebook about this what seems like FOREVER ago because he was supposed to start the next day (sorry to everyone that thought I was pregnant lol) but his old job really needs him for a little bit longer so he doesnt start this new one for a bit. But itll be worth the wait :)

Okay phew I think thats all......hopefully.

panic

I had one of, if not, the worst panic attack of my life today.
I was going to do dishes then put Alikah down for nap and shortly after I started doing them I was like, "Hmm. I feel weird. Wow. Im going to pass out. Why am I shaking?" and I just dropped the sponge and walked into the bathroom and sat down and told myself to breathe.
It was all the usual panic attack things: My hands were shaking and numb, my heart was racing, It felt like the room was spinning, my whole body was tingling, I thought I was about to die. I almost called 911.
I went outside to take huge breathes, but being outside made it worse when I looked at the sky for some reason.
I walked around the house and that just made it worse too because everything looked different/it felt surreal.
I honest to God for awhile thought that I was already dead and I was a ghost walking around, thats how fucking weird I felt. You guys...I used the play stethoscope to make sure my heart was really still beating. I was out of my mind.
I emailed Spencer even though I could barely type and then looked up online what to do and so then, doing what they suggested on some website, I was walking around going, "STOP. STOP. STOP. ITS JUST A PANIC ATTACK. I AM NOT DYING. I AM NOT DYING."
Pretty sure Alikah (whos nap never happened) thought I was insane. The first time I said STOP shes like, "Im not doing anything?!"
It felt like it was going on for hours but it had only been a half hour.
Finally I just took some more lorazepam and sat down, closed my eyes and focused only on breathing and eventually - slowly - it went away. In total it was about 2 hours.

It was seriously fucking terrifying.

I have a script for Zoloft. I took it one day while Bodhi was in the NICU. When I got there, I couldnt see straight (which made me want to cry because I could barely see Bodhi and I wanted to so bad) and I felt really weird. So I didnt take it again. Two days ago I decided to try and take it before bed to see if maybe then it wouldnt mess up my vision so bad the next day.
You know what? FUCK YOU ZOLOFT. Never fucking trying again.
After this happened I looked up stuff online and found out this happens to so many people on Zoloft and read a bunch of other horrible and scary reviews. Ugh.

ON the bright side, once it ended I was in an "Im so happy I didnt just die" mood, and it made me extremely grateful.

Sidenote: Then I gave Harper a bath and he pooped in it. Speaking of poop, yesterday Alikah pooped her pants.

Alikah just fell asleep while I was writing this. See? Told you she missed her nap.

Dont mind the enormous pink unicorn Spencer brought home for her today. He threw it into the house and left to run to the grocery store without saying a word. So until he got back I was just laughing like what the fuck.
And heres some pictures of Bodhi...

Goodnight.

lights

I am feeling a lot better, thankfully. 

(If these pictures look different its because the other camera stopped working for no reason. It just tells us theres a camera error. We took it to a camera shop and they told us it was "really common" and we'll probably have to send it to the company. Dumb! So Im using a really old 4 MP one for now.)

in the last day/week..

My cousins girlfriend died.
I hate death. Its really hard on me.

Someone punched Alikah at school today and now she "never wants to go back."
And I believe to her, so were going to call her school and take her out and possibly get her into a different one.

I got a concussion.
I took vicodin which was stupid because I know my body doesn't tolerate those kinds of drugs and I was throwing up and sick for 2 days.

Also....When you are crying and your 3.5 year old goes, "Its okay Mom! Life is just hard sometimes!"

I just need something good to happen.
Actually I take that back. I know good things are happening, I just need to get out of my funk and see them.

BUT Bodhi is a MONTH old now, and I will be doing his update soon :)

Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.

“That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.”

The last week has been hard. Really hard. Hard for me and hard on Spencer because he cant do anything to help me and it really bothers him. And Alikah can tell and that kills me.

You would think after 12 years of dealing with this it would get easier. But every single time it attacks me, it knocks me to the ground. Makes you feel like complete shit, you know? I hate it.

I am back on all my meds and hopefully will be able to make peace with myself soon. Until then I have my loves. I can be mean and resentful during these times, and I am so lucky to have someone that understands and loves me through it.

“When I looked at you, my life made sense. Even the bad things made sense. They were necessary to make you possible.”

Im sorry, Ill be back to normal updating soon. 

lose

Something was very off when I woke up this morning.

My mind is not my friend lately.

I spent the majority of my morning crying and hiding in the bathroom.

Trying to get out of your own head is torture. 

I was telling myself things that sometimes work.

It will pass. It always passes. It lies. You're wrong. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Spencer tried to help.

Alikah knocked on the door. 

"Mama are you alright in there? Can I come in?"

Spencer asked if I wanted him and the kids to leave for awhile.

Normally I would love that,

but I didnt trust myself to be alone.

We were going to come out here tomorrow for Mothers day, 

but we decided to just come today and sleep over at my parents.

Neither of us wanted to just sit at home with me. 

How sad is that? 

Ive had depression for almost 12 years. 

12 years and I still have days when I dont know what the fuck to do.

Days when it wins. 

I am so sick of it. 

Tomorrow will be better.

It has to be

Sickness.

Harper is sick :(
Of course hes had colic and teething "sick", but this is the first time hes been really sick. All he wants to do is sleep and cuddle. The worst part is that he just looks so sad. Last night he had a 100.3 temp before bed, and this morning he woke up screaming. I jumped out of bed and ran into his bedroom because I have never heard him cry like that. It was different than colic screaming, I could just feel him yelling, "I hurt!!" He was so hot. I brought him downstairs to give him medicine right away then cuddle him. I took his temperature once he calmed down and it was 102. He ate yesterday and today he ate breakfast but since then he hasnt been drinking as much and he choked on his lunch. Ah I hate choking. It was baby food but right after a bite he sucked in so hard to start crying and just inhaled it. I got him out and upside down and he coughed it out pretty quick. He wasnt staying asleep either but I rocked him to bed a little over an hour ago and hes been pretty quiet since. Poor babe :(During his first short nap I got a bunch of new & cute pictures of Alikah. We have the 30 day trial of Netflix right now so she has been loving watching new shows on my computer.Even though hes sick, Alikah got him to laugh hysterically. It was the cutest thing. I got a few videos, but one of them is perfect and Ive watched it like 50 times already. Makes my heart hurt.

Ive been down and fighting myself lately. Tomorrow my moms watching the kids for awhile while I go to an eye appointment & Target. I am really, really, looking forward to being by myself for a few hours.
Im just staring at the screen so I guess thats all. I can even tell re-reading this update how half-assed it is. Sorrrry!

Update: Harper just woke up from a 4 hour nap. I went upstairs to check on him and heard him talking. I walked in and he was jumping and smiling. No fever. Ya!!

filler post.

Im late on Harper's 7 month post because we have our doctors appointment on Friday and I want to wait til then to get all his stats.

My dress appointment went fine. They cut out the tulle and cut of the train while I was there. I love it more already! I have the train, hopefully Ill think of something neat to make out of it for memories.

We put up a few decorations in Harper's room, started our picture wall, and will probably do Alikah's tonight. Its going to take a looonngg time for me to get everything how I want it, though. One thing I hate about it is that the walls are not white. They are cream, but all the door and window frames and baseboards are white. Why?? But I know well end up painting most of them anyways.

Spencers been taking Alikah out in the snow and she LOVES it! Its adorable.

We're sleeping over at my parent all this weekend because on Friday I have a floral appointment and were going to the courthouse to get our wedding license. Then Sunday is my bridal shower! Seems pointless to drive back here for just one night.

Speaking of Bridal shower...I CANT BELIEVE HOW CLOSE WE ARE TO THE WEDDING. Omg all my confirmation emails are coming in and its actually really stressing me out because everyone wants me to call them and I hate talking on the phone and ahhh. And I have no fucking meds because my old doctors office is freaken stupid and like I said I dont have an appointment here until Friday. So that makes it even worse...

...which reminds me. I hate driving. But since Ive been off my meds it is almost unbearable. I gasp or scream or flinch every 30 seconds. (I dont drive, Spencer does) I hold my breathe without realizing it. I feel like Im going to throw up. Ugh. The last time I drove somewhere was when I drove the car and Spencer drove the U-Haul back, and it was seriously the most awful drive of my life. Im not even exaggerating when I saw I was literally screaming probably half the way there. And saying "ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod" and holding my breathe of course. When we finally got to the UHaul place I was shaking soooo badly and told Spencer I was never driving again.
So I guess its good we moved here and I can literally walk everywhere haha.
But it really isnt funny. It sucks being off meds. A lot.

-We need to give the Jeep back soon for plowing season.
-Get rid of the Mazda, and find a new car.
-We may need to pay for a new door.
-We need to move by the end of December.
-My gym payments got fucked somehow so they shut off my key and I cant get in for now.
-The holidays are coming up.
-Were 3 months away from the wedding.
-Spencer just lost his job.

+Its nice having him around everyday. We have all this extra time to spend together, and he has a lot more time with the kids.
+My mom brought up that maybe we could move into my Grandma's house for a little while while things calm down.
+We have been talking about moving farther away. An hour or 2 maybe.
+We were only looking for houses in/around New Berlin to stay close to his job...but now we dont have to. And we both kind of just want to leave.

Im so sick of everything.
I feel like Im trying hard to not just say fuck it all lately.

Maybe she heard me say

September 12th, 10:42pm
I just went into Alikah's room to check on her before going to bed.
"What?" She whispered.
"Im going to bed, love you."
"Love you. Are you not sick?"
"No I'm not sick."
"You can not break."Shes right. I cant break.

Depression

I am pretty sure Alikah knows when I am feeling like I want to give up.
It seems like even though I go hide, in a corner in the kitchen or a bathroom, that she will show up and say or do something to make me smile.
She is not a "cuddler" but it seems like she KNOWS when I need a cuddle.
I have heard a lot about your babies being able to tell when you are upset or something is wrong.
I really do believe that she does.
Today I cried then wanted to take a shower, but she kept telling me I didnt need too.
And finally she said she would take one with me.
If I had taken one alone I would have cried the whole time, instead I laughed.

She is the most amazing person I know.
It amazes me that she is mine.
I am proud, I am happy, I could cry every time I look at her.
But with the same amount of amazement I feel scared...
to wonder what if shes like me?
what is she feels like this someday?
what if SHE wants to give up someday?
The thought of it is enough to rip my heart out of my chest.
One of the hardest things right now is to think,
God, what my kids feel like this someday?
And what if its my fault?

absolutely nothing

That is what I am doing today.
Alikah is at nonna's for the day and will be home tomorrow morning.
Alikah's pinecone collection
I had a little meltdown last night.
Lets back up to over a month ago....
-Depression/ocd
-My mom got hit by a bus 9 weeks ago. She couldnt walk. Shes in physical therapy. She just started doing a little better.
-My mom got robbed while we were gone for Alikah's birthday. It was the first time my mom has came with on a vacation in a LONG time. And she got robbed. Its still an investigation, but its even more fucked up because there are very few people it could have been, and we are close to them.
-They installed all new locks and alarms in the house. I think theyre getting security cameras too.
-Alex died. I was friends with Alex for a short time in high school. Before either of us were drug addicts. I hadnt seen her in years. She died from a heroin overdose. It was hard on me. The funeral was hard. I cried right when we walked in. It didnt look anything like her.
-In the weeks before Alex died, 3 people committed suicide. Every week I was emailing Spencer, "Another person died." I kept wondering why everyone was giving up? I dont do well with death.
-Gestational diabetes diagnosis and Spencers flash burn incident. These are very minor, but it still seemed like everyday we were getting more shitty news.
-Spencer's car broke down. Its been in the shop for over a week now. Its going to cost about double what we originally thought.
-My dad fired Tony. Yesterday, my dad took the shops scrap aluminum in for money. Tony has done it the last 7 years. My dad found out that Tony has stolen thousands of dollars from doing this. Obviously, he is pissed.
-Tony is an asshole.
-My car is expired. We were planning on fixing it this month, but then Spencers car went into the shop. We have been driving it since its all we have right now. On the way home last night we got pulled over. Thankfully he was understanding and gave us a warning.
-Spencer looked at me and said, "Im doing the best I can."
-We got home, I went to the bathroom and cried. And prayed.

My heart started racing and I could tell I was about to have a panic attack so I washed my face quick and went to distract myself with Alikah.

After Alikah was in bed, Harper was really making himself known.
I had a good rest of the night.

So, its been a lot. But for the most part I havent been letting it bother me.
Last night, for 5 minutes, it bothered me.

Animals and Blood Sugar

Yesterday it was 60 degrees and sunny so we went to the zoo with my sisters, brother and 2 of the boys Gina nannies for.
Heather: Whats your favorite animal?
Alikah: Ummm....DINOSAURS!
We saw:
-Lions, tigers, elephants, giraffes
-Bears, a humongous hippo, emus and some other birds
-Zebras, deer, sheep
-A peacock attack its reflection in a soda machine
Alikah was interested in the fake caves in the animal exhibits.
I was asking her if she liked the lion and she was like "LOOK!! A CAVE A CAVE!!"
And when we were watching a polar bear she was pointing out all the birds in the sky.
We stayed at my parents for dinner afterwards and Alikah played outside in the sandbox and on the trampoline. We came home and took a bath around 9PM. (Spencer stayed later.)
Alikah was so tired, she fell asleep while I was still reading to her. I dont think shes ever done that before. It was really cute.

My glucose test was boring of course. I finished "When You're Engulfed In Flames." I was really tired the first hour from not having any coffee. But I survived.

And I have gestational diabetes. I have to call and schedule an appointment with a specialist Monday. Obviously its not what I wanted or ideal, but looking on the bright side of things we know that Harper is not a "big baby" and that is the main concern. It will also help with the fact that we are wanting him here a little early.

So far today I have vacuumed, cleaned our bathroom because the toilet overflowed everywhere, played outside and went on a walk with Alikah. Spencer has been gone and now his car wont start and hes stuck at his grandma's. He took his grandma's car to run home and drop of Alikah's car seat because once she wakes up from her nap I want to go to Target.

Last night was tough. I need to stop thinking so much. I am driving myself crazy. I just dont see how I am going to pull myself out of this. But I know I have before. Its just hard.

down for the count

I called my doctors office first thing this morning and they told me to come in at 11:30. I cried to Spencer on the phone and almost backed out because I wouldnt be seeing *MY* doctor and I was really really nervous.
But I went.
And it was fine. The nurse and the doctor were both great.
Im starting my meds again, but at 20mg. (I was on 40mg before.)
She also listened for Harper's heartbeat and couldnt find him with the first machine.
So she got a 2nd one and found it right away. Thank God.
It was 143. Or 141. I dont remember, I was just so glad that I heard it.

When I got home I got out my old meds and set them on the counter.
Alikah took the bottle and ran off with it.
Once I got it back I had forgotten that my plan was to cut one in half so that it would be 20mg. (Spencer was picking up my new one after work.)

I forgot and took the whole 40.
About an hour later I put Alikah down for a nap, sat on the couch all ready to spend the next 2 hours reading.
I was walking to my bed like 2 seconds later.

I was SO OUT OF IT. I felt like I was in bed for 2 minutes before Alikah came and got me up. Then I moved out onto the couch until Spencer got home.

I will be taking it an hour before bed-time from now on.

That meaninglessness, stripped of all fantasies and dreams, becomes the hidden meaning itself.

Things have been somewhat depressing.
Thats the easiest way to say it without going into a novel-long explanation.
I tried writing last night.
Plus, I seriously dont even know where to start or how to explain how Ive been feeling.
But I will say that I have been trying for weeks to shake myself back to normal but I am giving up. (I even went to church last night)
Im gonna talk to my doctor about going back on my meds.
I cried about it to Spencer today because I really wanted to make it through the pregnancy without any, but I cant go 3 more months feeling like this.
I cant even go 2 weeks until my next appointment which is why I need to call her tomorrow.
I feel like a failure basically and even I feel stupid saying that because I know its not true but I do. Im glad I made it this far.

Spencer has been seriously amazing (like usual) and I love him more and more each day.

We went to the library today to get library cards and some books.
Alikah was so excited. "LOOK AT ALL THE BOOKS! LOOK AT ALL THE STUFF!!"
She found Quiet LOUD and Goodnight Moon all by herself and pointed them out to me.
It was so cute. I think we got about 10 books.
I loved it too and Im glad that well have some more variety now.
Im looking forward to spending more time there. Once its a little warmer I think we will be walking there often :)

Spencer and I are so excited for Alikah's birthday.
She would be too if she knew where we were going haha.
It should be really nice.
I need a vacation.

goodnight.