Thursday, April 20, 2017

moving on

Im writing this not knowing if it will turn into a regular thing again or just a once and awhile deal.
A lot has changed.

Me and Spencer are getting divorced. We lost our apartment, I crashed our (ready to die anyways) van, so I need a new car. I live with my parents now. Were still trying to figure out the kids schedule.
I just got out of the psych ward, again, but I am doing pretty good so far. My counselors suggested ~writing~ but I think most stuff I need to write about shouldnt be written on here for anyone to read. Ill try and find a middle ground since Ive always been open and honest on here.

My minds in a much better place
I got a JOB today!
Im working out. Im reading again. Ive let a lot of shit go. I just feel much better.
I will be starting IOP in May but right now my goals, short and long term, are figure out everything with the kids, work as much as I can to save up for a car, and eventually my own apartment. The kids are my driving force.

Alikah just turned 8 and her birthday party is this Saturday which she is very excited for.

Just wanted to make this quick update. Be back soon :)


Thursday, July 7, 2016

Harper - 5 years old

1. What is your favorite color? Green
2. What is your favorite toy? Batman
3. What is your favorite fruit? Bananas
4. What is your favorite tv show? Angry Birds
5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Bacon
6. What is your favorite thing to wear? Shirts
7. What is your favorite game? Angry Birds
8. What is your favorite snack? Granola Bars
9. What is your favorite animal? Seahorse and Zebra (???)
10. What is your favorite song? Hey Captain Sparkles (A Minecraft video I think)
11. What is your favorite book? Batman

12. Who is your best friend? Max
13. What is your favorite cereal? Ninja Turtle cereal
14. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Play with dad
15. What is your favorite drink? Juice
16. What is your favorite holiday? Halloween!

17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night? My ba and snack, and toys
18. What do you want to be when you grow up? A fireman
19. Who is your favorite person? All of you guys
20. What is your favorite place? Chuck E Cheese (I dont think hes ever been there)

"Anything else?"
"Yes, I love dad. And I like going to chicken and french fries."

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Alikah - age seven

1. What is your favorite color? Pink
2. What is your favorite toy? My iPad
3. What is your favorite fruit? Apples
4. What is your favorite tv show? Spongebob
5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Noodles
6. What is your favorite thing to wear? Dresses
7. What is your favorite game? Minecraft
8. What is your favorite snack? Crackers
9. What is your favorite animal? Kitties
10. What is your favorite song? Same Old Love - Selena Gomez
11. What is your favorite book? Junie B Jones
12. Who is your best friend? Isabel and Emma
13. What is your favorite cereal? Coco Puffs
14. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Hide N Seek
15. What is your favorite drink? Water
16. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas!
17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night? My kiki I gues
(I thought this answer was hilarious because this is Alikahs bed, always)

18. What do you want to be when you grow up? A doctor
19. Who is your favorite person? You and Dad 
20. What is your favorite place? The Kalahari. And Campbellsport. 

pottery painting with her friends

this friend loved Ellie haha

Ill post the pictures from the Dells eventually :) 

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

this world is not our final home

Hey guys!  ***My next post will be a lot more fun than this one***
I need to do a post for Alikah's birthday soon, so I was going to do an update about everyone before that, but laying in bed last night and then today thinking about it I kept thinking about how I still need to do the hospital post.

But Im not ready.

Theres still so much about it that I get lost thinking about. 
I have nightmares a lot. 
I get these really weird feelings sometimes that I am still dead. 

Ever since that all happened it seems like a lot of things have happened that have almost been too good? I dont mean to say that life is going so amazingly great that the only explanation is that I really did die and none of this is real. Because trust me, a lot has still gone wrong. 

I dont want to put it all on God and praying, ONLY because the Lindsay before all of this happened would read that and be like, "What a bunch of bullshit."
But I do pray every night now, and it seems like God, or someone, is listening. 

Some things you can pray every night for though, and its never going to make a difference. 
Because its not up to God. 

Theres still so much in my head that I just feel like I either cant write it down and explain it correctly....or I just want to keep it to myself..
See this post is all over the place I dont even know how to go about it. 

For awhile I was kind of mad. I was mad that we moved back to here, It seemed like it had been a mistake. I really missed Campbellsport, Spencer never even wanted to move, Alikah really missed it, we paid less to live in our nice house there then we do in our small 2 bedroom apartment here. People that said they wanted to help, werent. I wasnt seeing people as much as I thought I would. I went back to my favorite doctor who is equal distance away from here than she is from Campbellsport. 
It just seemed like a stupid move and I wanted to go home. 

But  I like it here. Its small, its cozy, easy to clean.
Its close to stores and everything else.
I do see my family more.
Both my sisters are engaged. I got to take engagement photos for one of them. 
Alikahs likes her 2nd new school. Shes making friends. 
The boys have never really cared haha.
And I got a job here. I work 2 hours most days, when Spencer gets home. I really like it. 
Im trying to get disability or else I dont know what Im going to do. We cannot afford all the medical bills I get and we definitely cannot afford my insulin. 
Im still getting used to being sick. My new normal. 
Im still not used to be tired all the time no matter what. 
Im not used to doing like one thing and then wanting to be in bed the entire next day. 
I seem to forget how sick I am/That Im even sick until Im at a doctors appointment. 
And then Im like, oh, right, thats me they are talking about. Theyre talking about me.. 

I was going to save these for the "hospital post" but Im really not sure if that will ever be written...
But still, for the most part, I am positive. I try really hard to be...just because I AM so happy that I am alive. I thank God everyday for letting me live and giving me a second chance that I dont believe I deserve. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

so far

What I like:
Small & cozy so were all close.
Not as much to clean.
Close to store.
We can paint. 
I like our basement & storage.

What I dont like:
That theres people under us and the kids dont walk the run and stomp and they dont talk they yell.
Spencer talked to the lady underneath us and she said she doesnt care, she has grandkids and her dog is probably more annoying but still haha.
-One bathroom.
-Theres no lights except for the kitchen and bathroom. Had to go to St. Vincent to buy some cheap lamps. 
-Every single room has a different control for heat? And we never get it right.
-I hate apartment outlets. 
(I also hate that balloon lamp in the kids room but it was Spencers and he likes it)

Small, weird, washer and dryer. The washer seems like it washed too fast. I feel like it cant really be cleaning the stuff that fast lol. BUT whats nice about it is the loads are so small once they are dry I just carry them to the right bedroom and put the 5 pieces of clothes away. I dont have to fold or any of that crap that I hate. Also the dryer heats the ENTIRE PLACE. Its like a damn sauna in the kitchen when its on. 

Our shower. The shower works good but the drain sucks weve tried 3 things to fix it, next step is to call management. Also he faucet leaks but whatever. 

Mailboxes that arent lock...but then I realized I have never had a locked mailbox in my life until our last house so this is actually not weird haha

We have a dishwasher. But I still do the dishes by hand and use the dishwasher as a drying rack. I dont trust it to clean my dishes how I want them cleaned yet. 

SO anyway...
Still need to finish our room and the dining room.
Ill probably paint & do our room tomorrow.
I also started my black&white picture wall but I need to order NEW pictures. Most of them were the kids as babies. 

Ill do a picture post soon.
Still not sure when a real post will come.