Tuesday, January 30, 2018

happy new year

Okay I promise I am going to start writing again!! Things have been going well.
Have a lot of "goals" and plans for this year.

I'm planning on getting a camera and laptop soon which will just make me feel sooo much better! I really miss taking pictures. Speaking of better I really need to call and schedule a Dr appointment..

With taxes were going to pay for a few months rent here right away so we don't have to worry about that and we can save up....hoping to find a new place & move in summer. 

Our dryers been broken for awhile now because it's so full of quarters that you can't even push it in to start...I am so tempted to just break it open 😏 This has nothing to do with the new year lol I just really need to do wash...I hate looking at the pile of clothes...Waiting on a day that works for my mama so I can go there and do it. 

I'm going to do an update post about the boys next I think..they are growing and changing so much. Like always. 

Monday, November 6, 2017

Starting Over

Well once again a lot has changed.
Not going to say much right now about it all but Spencer and I did not get divorced.

I got my own studio apartment in July. Spencer and the boys moved in for good in September.

Yep. One bed, an air mattress we blow up every night that's usually Bodhis bed. My desk. Small TV. That's what we got.

Seriously. All the rest of our stuff? Was in storage. It got auctioned. It's all gone. What we have in our tiny apartment is all we own now. My heart still hurts thinking about the BOXES on pictures, the kids memory boxes, my journals, my books...I've called the storage a bunch just hoping whoever bought it returns the pictures atleast, but it doesn't look like they will.

But Spencer's working, I'm working (not much hoping to get a second job.) And honestly we all love our tiny home. Plus it takes like 20 minutes to clean the whole place. We're all happy. We're all alive. Life's good.

Alikah lives with my sister, brother in law and niece and nephew. It was the best option at the time. I don't really like to talk or even think about it. So that's that.

We don't have Wi-Fi or cable or anything but I come to the library almost everyday and I'm going to start using this blog again. This week I'm going to post updates about the boys and I'm not sure what else yet!

"Lucky I'm sane after all I've been through. Life's been good to me so far."

Thursday, April 20, 2017

moving on

Im writing this not knowing if it will turn into a regular thing again or just a once and awhile deal.
A lot has changed.

Me and Spencer are getting divorced. We lost our apartment, I crashed our (ready to die anyways) van, so I need a new car. I live with my parents now. Were still trying to figure out the kids schedule.
I just got out of the psych ward, again, but I am doing pretty good so far. My counselors suggested ~writing~ but I think most stuff I need to write about shouldnt be written on here for anyone to read. Ill try and find a middle ground since Ive always been open and honest on here.

My minds in a much better place
I got a JOB today!
Im working out. Im reading again. Ive let a lot of shit go. I just feel much better.
I will be starting IOP in May but right now my goals, short and long term, are figure out everything with the kids, work as much as I can to save up for a car, and eventually my own apartment. The kids are my driving force.

Alikah just turned 8 and her birthday party is this Saturday which she is very excited for.

Just wanted to make this quick update. Be back soon :)


Thursday, July 7, 2016

Harper - 5 years old

1. What is your favorite color? Green
2. What is your favorite toy? Batman
3. What is your favorite fruit? Bananas
4. What is your favorite tv show? Angry Birds
5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Bacon
6. What is your favorite thing to wear? Shirts
7. What is your favorite game? Angry Birds
8. What is your favorite snack? Granola Bars
9. What is your favorite animal? Seahorse and Zebra (???)
10. What is your favorite song? Hey Captain Sparkles (A Minecraft video I think)
11. What is your favorite book? Batman

12. Who is your best friend? Max
13. What is your favorite cereal? Ninja Turtle cereal
14. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Play with dad
15. What is your favorite drink? Juice
16. What is your favorite holiday? Halloween!

17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night? My ba and snack, and toys
18. What do you want to be when you grow up? A fireman
19. Who is your favorite person? All of you guys
20. What is your favorite place? Chuck E Cheese (I dont think hes ever been there)

"Anything else?"
"Yes, I love dad. And I like going to chicken and french fries."

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Alikah - age seven

1. What is your favorite color? Pink
2. What is your favorite toy? My iPad
3. What is your favorite fruit? Apples
4. What is your favorite tv show? Spongebob
5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Noodles
6. What is your favorite thing to wear? Dresses
7. What is your favorite game? Minecraft
8. What is your favorite snack? Crackers
9. What is your favorite animal? Kitties
10. What is your favorite song? Same Old Love - Selena Gomez
11. What is your favorite book? Junie B Jones
12. Who is your best friend? Isabel and Emma
13. What is your favorite cereal? Coco Puffs
14. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Hide N Seek
15. What is your favorite drink? Water
16. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas!
17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night? My kiki I gues
(I thought this answer was hilarious because this is Alikahs bed, always)

18. What do you want to be when you grow up? A doctor
19. Who is your favorite person? You and Dad 
20. What is your favorite place? The Kalahari. And Campbellsport. 

pottery painting with her friends

this friend loved Ellie haha

Ill post the pictures from the Dells eventually :) 

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

this world is not our final home

Hey guys!  ***My next post will be a lot more fun than this one***
I need to do a post for Alikah's birthday soon, so I was going to do an update about everyone before that, but laying in bed last night and then today thinking about it I kept thinking about how I still need to do the hospital post.

But Im not ready.

Theres still so much about it that I get lost thinking about. 
I have nightmares a lot. 
I get these really weird feelings sometimes that I am still dead. 

Ever since that all happened it seems like a lot of things have happened that have almost been too good? I dont mean to say that life is going so amazingly great that the only explanation is that I really did die and none of this is real. Because trust me, a lot has still gone wrong. 

I dont want to put it all on God and praying, ONLY because the Lindsay before all of this happened would read that and be like, "What a bunch of bullshit."
But I do pray every night now, and it seems like God, or someone, is listening. 

Some things you can pray every night for though, and its never going to make a difference. 
Because its not up to God. 

Theres still so much in my head that I just feel like I either cant write it down and explain it correctly....or I just want to keep it to myself..
See this post is all over the place I dont even know how to go about it. 

For awhile I was kind of mad. I was mad that we moved back to here, It seemed like it had been a mistake. I really missed Campbellsport, Spencer never even wanted to move, Alikah really missed it, we paid less to live in our nice house there then we do in our small 2 bedroom apartment here. People that said they wanted to help, werent. I wasnt seeing people as much as I thought I would. I went back to my favorite doctor who is equal distance away from here than she is from Campbellsport. 
It just seemed like a stupid move and I wanted to go home. 

But  I like it here. Its small, its cozy, easy to clean.
Its close to stores and everything else.
I do see my family more.
Both my sisters are engaged. I got to take engagement photos for one of them. 
Alikahs likes her 2nd new school. Shes making friends. 
The boys have never really cared haha.
And I got a job here. I work 2 hours most days, when Spencer gets home. I really like it. 
Im trying to get disability or else I dont know what Im going to do. We cannot afford all the medical bills I get and we definitely cannot afford my insulin. 
Im still getting used to being sick. My new normal. 
Im still not used to be tired all the time no matter what. 
Im not used to doing like one thing and then wanting to be in bed the entire next day. 
I seem to forget how sick I am/That Im even sick until Im at a doctors appointment. 
And then Im like, oh, right, thats me they are talking about. Theyre talking about me.. 

I was going to save these for the "hospital post" but Im really not sure if that will ever be written...
But still, for the most part, I am positive. I try really hard to be...just because I AM so happy that I am alive. I thank God everyday for letting me live and giving me a second chance that I dont believe I deserve.