to learn, to grow, to love

so awkward haha

I have court early Thursday morning. Im not sure what to expect anymore...mediation with M's parents went okay and court was going to just be the judge putting it on paper, but surprise surprise M found out and decided to cause more problems. 

When I found out, it was weird, I felt so incredibly calm. I just have this overwhelming feeling that everything is going to work out. Ive barely thought about it since. 

He has our address now, for the first time in years, which upsets me. But I cant do anything about it now. 

My cousin Stefanie is getting married on Saturday! Alikah is her flower girl. 

So, once court is out of the way the weekend will be filled with wedding happiness!!

I brought Alikah's dress out the other day and now she keeps asking when were going to the wedding and when she can dance. 

Theres a nail on the wall in our living room that isnt holding anything - its just there. The other day when I was in the shower Alikah used her stool and got the dress down from where I had it hanging in the kitchen and hung it on the nail in the living room. Its right above *her* chair. I thought it was really adorable...

I want to get an update in about the kids soon. 

Maybe life in general as well. I have been searching deep to change some things about myself. 

And based on comments I have gotten, some people have already noticed...

Also this pregnancy is so weird. Like, how the fuck am I going to have another baby in a few weeks already? Im still in shock that Im even pregnant. Still. Guess thats not going away. 

Oh, Boden. What are your plans for us? I cannot wait to find out. I love you buddy. 

an announcement

Yes. Hi. Welcome.

I'M PREGNANT!

First things first:

His due date is November 5th.

So I am 22 weeks/5 months!

ITS A BOY!

His name is Boden. 

And heres some things to get you all caught up!
-No, we were not trying.
-The first thing I said after I got a positive test: "No FUCKING way!"
-We got pregnant the week of our wedding.
-I am seeing a midwife. I like her but I miss my old doctor so much.
-I was 95% positive it was a girl. This pregnancy was almost identical to Alikah. How I felt, my symptoms and cravings & how I was carrying had me convinced it was a girl.
-We found out it was a BOY on June 21st, Harper's first birthday! He must have wished for a brother ;)

So this little guy is definitely a trickster. 

After we found out it was a boy I made Harper a onesie that says, "I turned ONE and all I got was a little brother."

Both of my parents reacted exactly how I thought they would. My mom was almost word-for-word.
My dad didnt get it at first and then said, "You're pregnant again?"
He also added: "You how far along? You waited this long to tell us?! Well, took longer than I expected. One of you needs to get fixed."
I got my mom & sisters reaction on video, so Ill post it her eventually :)
I told my sister in the Philippines to call me and once I said I was pregnant she said, "Sign on to Skype!"

Spencer wanted to tell his parents, so he was in charge of all that..

I still cant even believe Im pregnant! It was hard to keep it secret so long, especially at the very end when we found out it was a boy and I started showing more. I think know what everyone knows these last few months will fly by!

-We need to give the Jeep back soon for plowing season.
-Get rid of the Mazda, and find a new car.
-We may need to pay for a new door.
-We need to move by the end of December.
-My gym payments got fucked somehow so they shut off my key and I cant get in for now.
-The holidays are coming up.
-Were 3 months away from the wedding.
-Spencer just lost his job.

+Its nice having him around everyday. We have all this extra time to spend together, and he has a lot more time with the kids.
+My mom brought up that maybe we could move into my Grandma's house for a little while while things calm down.
+We have been talking about moving farther away. An hour or 2 maybe.
+We were only looking for houses in/around New Berlin to stay close to his job...but now we dont have to. And we both kind of just want to leave.

Im so sick of everything.
I feel like Im trying hard to not just say fuck it all lately.

Grief & Engagement Photos

After losing my Grandma to her 10 year battle with cancer on Wednesday, life has been somewhat crazy. Spencer stayed home from work Thursday to watch the kids while I went to the funeral home with my mom, grandpa, brother, sister and aunt. After that we went to visit the cemetery where her parents are buried and also my mom's brother, then went out for lunch at my Grandma's favorite restaurant, Andrea's.

Um. The hardest thing for me, by far, was not seeing her before she died. Its still bothering me. I cant think about it without crying. Anyone that knows me knows how bad I am with phones, I never even think about them. I missed a couple calls from my mom while my grandma was still alive. Once I finally checked our phone and answered, she had died. I didn't get to see her that "one last time."

All us girls took some of her jewelry for remembrance, and Bob wants us to make a day out of to go through her clothes, shoes, etc. I got one cross necklace I love. I haven't taken it off.

Today we met Heather and her boyfriend at the lake front to take some engagement pictures of Spencer and I. Alikah fed ducks, played in the sand and even got her suit on and played in the cold lake. These are my two favorites. You can see the cross necklace in the 2nd one, too. We got home around 4, ate some Great Wraps (which is a new Sunday thing), Spencer and the kids napped while I edited photos.

I dont know. Life definitely got thrown off course the last week. The gym definitely went way on the back burner, but Im hoping that maybe the start of a new week will help things fall back into place. My mom is a wreck too. I have talked to her on the phone more than 2 times daily. Yeah. Its going to take some time, but that is expected.

Rushed

First things first: This is the only way Im getting this done right now.Im not kidding, the kid will not let you set him down. Maybe for 5 minutes. The second hes down for his first nap every morning I run and shower as fast as I can lol.

Just a warning, this entry is going to be all over the place because Im going to rush through it.
We've viewed 3 wedding reception sites now and have one more next weekend. If I could have whatever I wanted, it would be at the Grain Exchange. It was AMAZING. I think I almost cried. But our 2nd choice now is Muskego Lakes, which we really liked as well. Dress shopping on the 16th :)

My keyboard is really fucked up and its driving me nuts. It jumps all over the place or deletes shit. I think I still have a warranty though...(I hope)

We went to county fair the other weekend but I think Ill make that its own entry.

I was going to write about my meds but think Ill make that its own post too so moving on...

Ummm..it was my Dad's 49th birthday yesterday! We went went over there to swim and hang out. I love my dad.

It really is driving me crazy that Harper needs to be held 24/7. It makes it so hard to get anything done and I rush through everything when I finally am able too. But I hate it because of Alikah. Shes being amazing and not showing any signs that she cares but it bothers the shit out of me. I feel like Im not giving her enough attention. I feel like she ends up watching TV for most of the day and then entertaining herself the rest of the time. I hate seeing her play by herself even though I know it is good for her to do, sometimes. Thats why I love days like yesterday when we went to my parents and she got to swim and play and gets tons of attention from all the kids. I guess maybe I miss her? I love her so much and it just sucks that I cant do everything that I want for her. But it bothers me more than it bothers her (I hope) and I know this will all pass.

I also really really wish I had my car to use. We were supposed to get it in May. Its August. Almost a whole Summer of stuff we could have done has passed. I thought wed be at parks, swimming at my parents, at the library. But instead we've been home all day almost everyday. I feel trapped. Plus I have no money, so hat limits everything too. Im going to start babysitting end of Sept/early Oct and it will be nice to make some money of my own.

Anyway we just got back from a walk right before this/nap time. Im thinking Ill do diet updates every Friday since thats when I posted the first one.

The First Month.

Harper. Wow. Harper, we love you so much. (Tearing up already.) Sometimes I just stare and you and think about how amazing you are. Daddy does the same. We say to each other, "God, he is so perfect," at LEAST 5 times a day.
You recognize us now, and we have gotten a couple smiles out of you.
You haven't changed too much yet.
-You're awake a little more, especially in the mornings.
-Daddy sings you "Twinkle, Twinkle" when you wont stop crying, I sing "You Are My Sunshine." (He thinks you stop crying faster if I hold you.)
-You still want to be held at all times, which makes things difficult sometimes. You've actually been sitting in your bouncer right next to me while I write this which is seriously surprising. But believe me Id hold you all the time if I could.
-I think you're having a growth spurt because right now you are eating 4oz literally every hour, it is CRAZY.
-You still poop a lot :) You hate being gassy, but you are. We are trying so hard to make you feel better. I thought I could only give you medicine twice a day, but I found out last night I could give it to you up to TWELVE times a day, so Im hoping that will help.

This month has flown by.
Life had changed. People always said I was "in for it now" etc. I dont think its gotten any harder. More frustrating at times, yes. More emotional, definitely.

The hardest part is Alikah. I knew it would happen, since I cant be two places at once. Thankfully I can play toys or play-doh with her while Im holding him, but I cant come take her picture or chase her or tickle her or watch her every time she wants me to if Im feeding Harper or trying to get him to stop crying.
I make sure that we read together, alone, before nap and bedtime everyday.
But she loves her little brother so much. She always tells us when hes crying or when hes "looking at me!"
The other day I had him in his boppy while I was getting ready and she woke up, went right to him, gave him a kiss and said, "Hey buddy."

It wont be like this for long. And it will never be like this again. So Ill enjoy every moment the best I can, even if I think Im going to go crazy sometimes. Well...more crazy :)