Saturday, May 14, 2011

absolutely nothing

That is what I am doing today.
Alikah is at nonna's for the day and will be home tomorrow morning.
Alikah's pinecone collection

I had a little meltdown last night.
Lets back up to over a month ago....
-My mom got hit by a bus 9 weeks ago. She couldnt walk. Shes in physical therapy. She just started doing a little better.
-My mom got robbed while we were gone for Alikah's birthday. It was the first time my mom has came with on a vacation in a LONG time. And she got robbed. Its still an investigation, but its even more fucked up because there are very few people it could have been, and we are close to them.
-They installed all new locks and alarms in the house. I think theyre getting security cameras too.
-Alex died. I was friends with Alex for a short time in high school. Before either of us were drug addicts. I hadnt seen her in years. She died from a heroin overdose. It was hard on me. The funeral was hard. I cried right when we walked in. It didnt look anything like her.
-In the weeks before Alex died, 3 people committed suicide. Every week I was emailing Spencer, "Another person died." I kept wondering why everyone was giving up? I dont do well with death.
-Gestational diabetes diagnosis and Spencers flash burn incident. These are very minor, but it still seemed like everyday we were getting more shitty news.
-Spencer's car broke down. Its been in the shop for over a week now. Its going to cost about double what we originally thought.
-My dad fired Tony. Yesterday, my dad took the shops scrap aluminum in for money. Tony has done it the last 7 years. My dad found out that Tony has stolen thousands of dollars from doing this. Obviously, he is pissed.
-Tony is an asshole.
-My car is expired. We were planning on fixing it this month, but then Spencers car went into the shop. We have been driving it since its all we have right now. On the way home last night we got pulled over. Thankfully he was understanding and gave us a warning.
-Spencer looked at me and said, "Im doing the best I can."
-We got home, I went to the bathroom and cried. And prayed.

My heart started racing and I could tell I was about to have a panic attack so I washed my face quick and went to distract myself with Alikah.

After Alikah was in bed, Harper was really making himself known.
I had a good rest of the night.

So, its been a lot. But for the most part I havent been letting it bother me.
Last night, for 5 minutes, it bothered me.


  1. love you!
    i hope you know how proud i am of you! you have come so far lindsay and you are a great mommma and i am really happy to see how well you are doing!

  2. I love you too :) And thank you! I know how much Ive changed, but its always nice to hear that other people can see a difference too. Im excited to see you soon!