panic

I had one of, if not, the worst panic attack of my life today.
I was going to do dishes then put Alikah down for nap and shortly after I started doing them I was like, "Hmm. I feel weird. Wow. Im going to pass out. Why am I shaking?" and I just dropped the sponge and walked into the bathroom and sat down and told myself to breathe.
It was all the usual panic attack things: My hands were shaking and numb, my heart was racing, It felt like the room was spinning, my whole body was tingling, I thought I was about to die. I almost called 911.
I went outside to take huge breathes, but being outside made it worse when I looked at the sky for some reason.
I walked around the house and that just made it worse too because everything looked different/it felt surreal.
I honest to God for awhile thought that I was already dead and I was a ghost walking around, thats how fucking weird I felt. You guys...I used the play stethoscope to make sure my heart was really still beating. I was out of my mind.
I emailed Spencer even though I could barely type and then looked up online what to do and so then, doing what they suggested on some website, I was walking around going, "STOP. STOP. STOP. ITS JUST A PANIC ATTACK. I AM NOT DYING. I AM NOT DYING."
Pretty sure Alikah (whos nap never happened) thought I was insane. The first time I said STOP shes like, "Im not doing anything?!"
It felt like it was going on for hours but it had only been a half hour.
Finally I just took some more lorazepam and sat down, closed my eyes and focused only on breathing and eventually - slowly - it went away. In total it was about 2 hours.

It was seriously fucking terrifying.

I have a script for Zoloft. I took it one day while Bodhi was in the NICU. When I got there, I couldnt see straight (which made me want to cry because I could barely see Bodhi and I wanted to so bad) and I felt really weird. So I didnt take it again. Two days ago I decided to try and take it before bed to see if maybe then it wouldnt mess up my vision so bad the next day.
You know what? FUCK YOU ZOLOFT. Never fucking trying again.
After this happened I looked up stuff online and found out this happens to so many people on Zoloft and read a bunch of other horrible and scary reviews. Ugh.

ON the bright side, once it ended I was in an "Im so happy I didnt just die" mood, and it made me extremely grateful.

Sidenote: Then I gave Harper a bath and he pooped in it. Speaking of poop, yesterday Alikah pooped her pants.

Alikah just fell asleep while I was writing this. See? Told you she missed her nap.

Dont mind the enormous pink unicorn Spencer brought home for her today. He threw it into the house and left to run to the grocery store without saying a word. So until he got back I was just laughing like what the fuck.
And heres some pictures of Bodhi...

Goodnight.