lose

Something was very off when I woke up this morning.

My mind is not my friend lately.

I spent the majority of my morning crying and hiding in the bathroom.

Trying to get out of your own head is torture. 

I was telling myself things that sometimes work.

It will pass. It always passes. It lies. You're wrong. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Spencer tried to help.

Alikah knocked on the door. 

"Mama are you alright in there? Can I come in?"

Spencer asked if I wanted him and the kids to leave for awhile.

Normally I would love that,

but I didnt trust myself to be alone.

We were going to come out here tomorrow for Mothers day, 

but we decided to just come today and sleep over at my parents.

Neither of us wanted to just sit at home with me. 

How sad is that? 

Ive had depression for almost 12 years. 

12 years and I still have days when I dont know what the fuck to do.

Days when it wins. 

I am so sick of it. 

Tomorrow will be better.

It has to be