Summer update! Long! Ah..

Hi! Okay for real this time Im going to start updating again. (And I wont delete this, promise Amanda Burg. ;) )   This is going to be a little update on everyone!

Grade: 4K
Favorite Color: Black
Favorite Food: Mac N Cheese
Favorite Subject: Playing
Favorite Movie: Big Hero 6
Favorite Summer Memory: Going swimming a lot!
Harper is doing amazing in school. We were alittle worried since hes really young and....well, hes Harper. But hes doing great. His teacher said hes such a happy kid and really wants to learn. Hes alittle bit to talkative but were all working on that haha. He loves it and is excited every day to go.

Grade: 1st
Favorite Color: Pink
Favorite Food: Apples, carrots, Cosmic Brownies, Spongebob Mac N Cheese
Favorite Subject: The Specials...like gym, computer, library
Favorite Movie: The Croods, The Little Mermaid
Favorite Summer Memory: Going to the beach a lot!
We definitely werent worried about Alikah and she is doing great too. Harper has a reading log and sometimes Alikahs homework is to read so she reads a book to Harper every night (getting both of their things done at once woo!) Alikah spent a lot of extra time at Nonnas this summer and loved it.

Im actually really surprised how well Ive fallen into the "school year" schedule. I get their backpacks ready the night before (And Alikahs lunch if shes having cold lunch), try to go to bed by 11, get Alikah and Harper up at 7:15, they alternate showering every other day, get them all ready to go. Their bus comes at 8 and then I usually go back to sleep for like an hour until Bodhi wakes up around 9. Some days though (like today) Harper woke him up so no nap for me haha.
Then me and Bodhi hang out until we go pick up Harper at 11.

Speaking of Bodhi:

He loves making "garages" and "train stations" with the wooden blocks. I can be on the computer in here and hell just play quitetly building his little cities behind me. He still loves Thomas. Hes very smart and funny. Love playing with Alikah and Harper. Hes scared of spiders and cars...if were walking anywhere and a car drive passed he starts screaming because he thinks theyre going to hit us. (Im guessing he got that fear from me haha) Hes still in his crib with his cribbies and music.
Favorite Food: Chicken, mandarin oranges, crackers
Favorite Color: Blue
Favorite Movie: I like Thomas
Favorite Toy: Gordon (train)
     (Harper just chimed in and said his favorite toy was Spencer (the train) )


Okay so me. Ive been pretty good.
Most people that know me know that last year was pretty rough.
Just a little refresher because I dont think Ive wrote about it since last year....After Marshall died I kind of lost my mind for awhile. The doctor I ended up seeing was phenomenal and I finally got on the right meds for my bipolar and OCD. I also got on the right meds for my heart and havent been to the hospital in months thankfully!!
This article is so true. The waves still come, but less often. I cant say they arent as hard though. Id day when they hit me theyre still 100 feet tall.

(His ashes.)

But I feel okay most of the time. Sometimes I do feel....boring? Numb? But I know I need to stay on my meds. Its the best for everyone.

We had an awesome summer. Spent a lot of time at the lake near by. Went to "A Day Out With Thomas"  on Harper's birthday. Had sleepovers with grandmas and grandpas. Stayed at hotels for fun (or when it was too damn hot in our house!) Lots of backyard swimming in the $10 inflatable pool we bought (cannot believe it lasted all summer haha) and cookouts, bonfires. We were in a parade for Spencers work and the kids loveddd that. Went up north to the cabin - For the last time!! Before the new one gets built! Thats pretty bittersweet. Went to my first Packers game at Lambeau with Spencer. Never again. Way too many people and I dont even like football lol.

I did not walk with my Nike+ AT ALL this Summer....Ill planning on starting again with the boys after we pick Harper up from school, once it cools down. Theres no way Id go work out in 90 degree heat...



And something Im SO excited about....Spencer got a new job! A fucking GREAT new job! I am so proud of him. It is a HUGE pay increase and great benefits. Its going to be so awesome for us.
I posted on facebook about this what seems like FOREVER ago because he was supposed to start the next day (sorry to everyone that thought I was pregnant lol) but his old job really needs him for a little bit longer so he doesnt start this new one for a bit. But itll be worth the wait :)

Okay phew I think thats all......hopefully.

“You get angry. Death does that.”

I chopped off my hair and dyed it purple. I just bought lightener so I can re-do it and hopefully make it last longer, I loved it!

Alikah absolutely loves school. She also already has a new boyfriend she says, his names Nolan.

Her best friend Harley is in her class and they are so cute together.

The other day our neighbor/her friend ran over and told me she never got on the bus and I freaked out and sped to her school. They found her on the wrong bus. They told me to call and report the bus company because she has a bus pass the driver is supposed to check. It was scary.

Weve been looking to move for a few months now. We found a house we love a few hours up north from where we live now.

About the title of this post. Alikah's biological father, Marshall, was shot and murdered on June 18th during a drug deal. Spencers been her dad since she was a few months old and Marshall was in prison for most of her life. He never really saw her but his parents did and still do have her one weekend every month. Its weird, I really really hated him at times but I still took his death really hard. I take all deaths hard but for someone that was such a big part of my life, it still doesnt feel real. For the last few months he was alive he didnt really bother me at all and we actually could talk on the phone and not just scream. I felt (and still do) insanely guilty when he died. I guess Ill never know if I could have changed anything and I know in my heart I was doing the right thing at the time by keeping Alikah away from him and not letting her visit him in prison, but I still struggle with it.
I saw him at the funeral home before he was cremated. I hugged him and told him I was sorry. With his parents. He wasnt physically there at his actual funeral. Me and Alikah stood up front for the funeral but she doesnt and still doesnt really understand. She knows hes dead and thats about all.

Um. I spent some time at a hospital about a month after and my blood pressure was insanely high. It took them a few days to stabilize me and get me on medication Ill most likely be on for the rest of my life. My BP was always alittle off but they told me it was like BAD bad.
My heart has given me problems for years, but after multiple ekgs and other tests they still cant pin-point whats wrong. My psychiatrist and doctors have told me it could be caused or partially caused by my eating disorders.

SO, a lot has happened. I still dont have a computer so I wont be able to update much but Im at my parents right now and figured I should.

Happy Birthday Allison

I havent allowed myself to think today. Ive been cleaning, re-organizing, and goinggoinggoing all day just to try and block out what Im scared to feel. 

To scared to think. 

To scared to accept.

I really dont think Ill ever get over it.

Allison, I love you so much, I cant remember a time that you werent there when I needed you. 

You have shoved me into admitting so many things, into talking about things I do not want to talk about in my treatment. 

I know its for me, but I do it for you. 

Id give anything for you to be here today. 

Im going back to Vegas and doing something special for your birthday.

This trip planning is all over the fucking place, but what isnt, right?

I miss you. So much. I always will. 

***I will post with updates and pictures soon. 

I feel like its getting harder and harder for me to post stuff, but I want to change that. I want to get back into it.

and like the sea, I’m constantly changing from calm to hell

Playing with packaging

 

Harper.

Harper looks like he got busted stealing Bodhi's toast

Nothing has really changed from a day-to-day basis...I just need to get an update on the kids in here soon. (They are all doing great, in case you just cant wait to hear ;) 

***OH, I guess one thing I should add NOW is that Bodhi is walking :) 

Ive been really sick. I was in the hospital. They arent sure whats wrong. Ive had problems with my heart and stomach, but what Ive been dealing with hasnt felt like what Im used to. They cant figure out what organ is "causing me problems" without doing more tests so if it doesnt go away or gets worse I have to go back for body scans. Im supposed to follow up with my regular doctor for checkups and blood tests too. 

Thankfully this last week I have felt a lot better. Ive been able to get up and get everything I wanted to get done at the house done...

Next I want to work on getting rid of a lot of our "junk." I cleaned Alikahs room the other day and threw away a whole garbage bag of...junk. I want to get through all the rooms and closets before Christmas. Im just sick of it. Im frustrated on a daily basis. Makes me grouchy >:|

We also lost another person in our lives. Spencer and my sister were friends with Shawn's brother for years. I went to school with him and had so much fun at his graduation party. 

He was a fighter from the beginning and received a miracle heart transplant, but he got sick again.

Shawn had such a huge impact on so many peoples lives and it is a huge loss. Over 1,000 people attended his funeral. 

He never gave up, and I wear this bracelet everyday to remind myself not too either. 

RIP Shawn. 

RIP Allison

One of my best friends from high school and on committed suicide on Wednesday night. Her boyfriend found her in the morning.

Ive said before I deal with death horrible. But Ive never had a best friend die. This is a whole nother level. Ive spent the last few days crying and constantly wonder why? 
I will write more about this when my head is a little less cloudy.
I have other things to write about too. I will get to it...

''I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I'd see you again.''

delay

Sorry for the lack of updates.
-Spencer's grandma passed away on March 20th. Shes been in assisted living since she broke her hip but it was still unexpected. Spencer's mom was with her before it happened and she was fine...then she stopped breathing over night. They brought her back to life and she was on life support until the next day. So we were out of town this past weekend for the funeral. It really sucks. A lot.

-My best friend is in Wisconsin! (She lives in Nevada) Her and her family were here last Thursday and are on there way back right now! My house gets completely destroyed with 5 kids running around but its worth it ;)

-I had my ENT appointment. My throat is almost completely closed. They are starting me on meds for 2-3 months. I go back in 2 months so they can check again. They suggested to raise our headboard because laying flat makes it worse (which sounds weird but my throat is always worse in the morning so that made total sense to me.) The doctor said right now she doesnt think its looks like cancer which is what they worry about the most so that is the good news!

-For Easter we are going up north to Spencer's other grandmas house.

-We are going on vacation for Alikah's birthday in 2 weeks so we need to get all that sorted out. Still need to buy her decorations and presents, etc...

So yeah just really busy and so much to do. I will do a photo update asap, possibly tomorrow night?

in the last day/week..

My cousins girlfriend died.
I hate death. Its really hard on me.

Someone punched Alikah at school today and now she "never wants to go back."
And I believe to her, so were going to call her school and take her out and possibly get her into a different one.

I got a concussion.
I took vicodin which was stupid because I know my body doesn't tolerate those kinds of drugs and I was throwing up and sick for 2 days.

Also....When you are crying and your 3.5 year old goes, "Its okay Mom! Life is just hard sometimes!"

I just need something good to happen.
Actually I take that back. I know good things are happening, I just need to get out of my funk and see them.

BUT Bodhi is a MONTH old now, and I will be doing his update soon :)

hand me downs

Yesterday we drove to a trail and took a couple pictures of me in my wedding dress. I really wanted snow pictures haha. Alikah played and Harper slept most of the time. We kind of had to hurry because I have Heather's camera but no charger and it was saying low battery. But right now it says no battery, but is still taking pictures, so who knows.
Tomorrow were all going to Waukesha. Spencer works at the hospital and me and the kids are going to my parents. At 1:30 my mom, Heather and I are going to my Grandma's old house. To go through everything.

Well tag everything we want to keep, then the rest is going to Goodwill. I think Im going to cry. But Im trying to look on the bright side - we do still need a lot of stuff for our house, and we dont have the money for it right now. Her house looks like it was barely lived in since she spent most of her time in Florida. We need couches, a bunch of tables (mainly end tables/storage), patio furniture. If she has any photo albums I want them all. Lamps. Decorations. She had a bunch of dolls. Maybe Alikah would like some. I dont know.

Then on Friday we will have to get a U-Haul to pack and bring everything up here. One of Spencers friends or my dad will help us.I need to figure out what we are doing for Alikah's 3rd birthday! I want to see if we can go to the Dells again because I know she loves that.

Grief & Engagement Photos

After losing my Grandma to her 10 year battle with cancer on Wednesday, life has been somewhat crazy. Spencer stayed home from work Thursday to watch the kids while I went to the funeral home with my mom, grandpa, brother, sister and aunt. After that we went to visit the cemetery where her parents are buried and also my mom's brother, then went out for lunch at my Grandma's favorite restaurant, Andrea's.

Um. The hardest thing for me, by far, was not seeing her before she died. Its still bothering me. I cant think about it without crying. Anyone that knows me knows how bad I am with phones, I never even think about them. I missed a couple calls from my mom while my grandma was still alive. Once I finally checked our phone and answered, she had died. I didn't get to see her that "one last time."

All us girls took some of her jewelry for remembrance, and Bob wants us to make a day out of to go through her clothes, shoes, etc. I got one cross necklace I love. I haven't taken it off.

Today we met Heather and her boyfriend at the lake front to take some engagement pictures of Spencer and I. Alikah fed ducks, played in the sand and even got her suit on and played in the cold lake. These are my two favorites. You can see the cross necklace in the 2nd one, too. We got home around 4, ate some Great Wraps (which is a new Sunday thing), Spencer and the kids napped while I edited photos.

I dont know. Life definitely got thrown off course the last week. The gym definitely went way on the back burner, but Im hoping that maybe the start of a new week will help things fall back into place. My mom is a wreck too. I have talked to her on the phone more than 2 times daily. Yeah. Its going to take some time, but that is expected.