Summer update! Long! Ah..

Hi! Okay for real this time Im going to start updating again. (And I wont delete this, promise Amanda Burg. ;) )   This is going to be a little update on everyone!

Grade: 4K
Favorite Color: Black
Favorite Food: Mac N Cheese
Favorite Subject: Playing
Favorite Movie: Big Hero 6
Favorite Summer Memory: Going swimming a lot!
Harper is doing amazing in school. We were alittle worried since hes really young and....well, hes Harper. But hes doing great. His teacher said hes such a happy kid and really wants to learn. Hes alittle bit to talkative but were all working on that haha. He loves it and is excited every day to go.

Grade: 1st
Favorite Color: Pink
Favorite Food: Apples, carrots, Cosmic Brownies, Spongebob Mac N Cheese
Favorite Subject: The Specials...like gym, computer, library
Favorite Movie: The Croods, The Little Mermaid
Favorite Summer Memory: Going to the beach a lot!
We definitely werent worried about Alikah and she is doing great too. Harper has a reading log and sometimes Alikahs homework is to read so she reads a book to Harper every night (getting both of their things done at once woo!) Alikah spent a lot of extra time at Nonnas this summer and loved it.

Im actually really surprised how well Ive fallen into the "school year" schedule. I get their backpacks ready the night before (And Alikahs lunch if shes having cold lunch), try to go to bed by 11, get Alikah and Harper up at 7:15, they alternate showering every other day, get them all ready to go. Their bus comes at 8 and then I usually go back to sleep for like an hour until Bodhi wakes up around 9. Some days though (like today) Harper woke him up so no nap for me haha.
Then me and Bodhi hang out until we go pick up Harper at 11.

Speaking of Bodhi:

He loves making "garages" and "train stations" with the wooden blocks. I can be on the computer in here and hell just play quitetly building his little cities behind me. He still loves Thomas. Hes very smart and funny. Love playing with Alikah and Harper. Hes scared of spiders and cars...if were walking anywhere and a car drive passed he starts screaming because he thinks theyre going to hit us. (Im guessing he got that fear from me haha) Hes still in his crib with his cribbies and music.
Favorite Food: Chicken, mandarin oranges, crackers
Favorite Color: Blue
Favorite Movie: I like Thomas
Favorite Toy: Gordon (train)
     (Harper just chimed in and said his favorite toy was Spencer (the train) )


Okay so me. Ive been pretty good.
Most people that know me know that last year was pretty rough.
Just a little refresher because I dont think Ive wrote about it since last year....After Marshall died I kind of lost my mind for awhile. The doctor I ended up seeing was phenomenal and I finally got on the right meds for my bipolar and OCD. I also got on the right meds for my heart and havent been to the hospital in months thankfully!!
This article is so true. The waves still come, but less often. I cant say they arent as hard though. Id day when they hit me theyre still 100 feet tall.

(His ashes.)

But I feel okay most of the time. Sometimes I do feel....boring? Numb? But I know I need to stay on my meds. Its the best for everyone.

We had an awesome summer. Spent a lot of time at the lake near by. Went to "A Day Out With Thomas"  on Harper's birthday. Had sleepovers with grandmas and grandpas. Stayed at hotels for fun (or when it was too damn hot in our house!) Lots of backyard swimming in the $10 inflatable pool we bought (cannot believe it lasted all summer haha) and cookouts, bonfires. We were in a parade for Spencers work and the kids loveddd that. Went up north to the cabin - For the last time!! Before the new one gets built! Thats pretty bittersweet. Went to my first Packers game at Lambeau with Spencer. Never again. Way too many people and I dont even like football lol.

I did not walk with my Nike+ AT ALL this Summer....Ill planning on starting again with the boys after we pick Harper up from school, once it cools down. Theres no way Id go work out in 90 degree heat...



And something Im SO excited about....Spencer got a new job! A fucking GREAT new job! I am so proud of him. It is a HUGE pay increase and great benefits. Its going to be so awesome for us.
I posted on facebook about this what seems like FOREVER ago because he was supposed to start the next day (sorry to everyone that thought I was pregnant lol) but his old job really needs him for a little bit longer so he doesnt start this new one for a bit. But itll be worth the wait :)

Okay phew I think thats all......hopefully.

comfortably numb

First night in his big boy bed. Cuddled and covered his bunny <3 And filled his bed with books haha

 

Alikahs new chart thing...I took ideas from like 5 different websites to make one I thought would work for us. We both love it! Theres a clip on the red that "moves down." 

These are her "tickets" (paper cut up with smiley face stickers ha)

She can trade them at the end of each day for a penny or save them to get bigger rewards. So far she hasnt traded any...I think she wants a big reward ;)

Bodhi: Mom. What is he doing. 

love.love.love.love

Harper made a dirt pool. He would...

hanging out at the rummage

Alikah was putting coffee filters on everyones heads and saying they were now Queens

couldnt sleep for shit so I woke up my baby at 5am. He just attacked my face

drama

helping daddy

So were having a rummage... It was going to be over the weekend but we have nothing else to do and its been nice out so well keep it going as long as we can. Weve just been sitting outside all day playing, talking, having bonfires and dranking some beer.

I tried to not take my klonopin yesterday just because. I dont know...Im supposed to take it twice a day but I want to only take it when I need it. By noon I was having a panic attack. It actually really upsets me that its gotten this bad that I need to take it everyday. It is what it is I guess....

Ill have to do an update on the kids soon, too. Ive been trying not to use the computer/internet as much as possible but I really love updating this blog...for memories and security. If my computer dies, I still have everything here....

panic and pictures

Weve been really busy with recitals, rummages, doctors appointments, inheritance appointments, a little inflatable carnival they had for the kids at the elementary school one day, just...having three kids, on and on and on..

Also my anxiety disorders have been unbearable. I was usually having 1 panic attack during the day and 1 at night. I couldnt sleep. I always woke up Spencer when I had a bad one so he couldnt sleep and had to deal with all the crazy shit I said...one night I refused to sleep anywhere but downstairs on the couch with all the lights on and he HAD to come with me. When I had them during the day they usually werent as bad but I got really tired of having to stop and deal with this shit everyday.

Last night I went to bed around 12. Spencer couldnt sleep so he was kind of up all night doing random shit. We were both just laying in bed not sleeping at 7 am. Bodhi woke up so I brought him by us and we all fell asleep for a little longer. I woke up and felt...okay. But then BAM it was just there.

I sat back down and Spencer took one look at me and was like, "Are you okay?!"
I started breathing weird. My heart hurt. I felt like I was going to die. Just getting the same thoughts I always do during my bad ones. Im gonna die. Am I sleeping? Am I already dead? My organs are all shutting down I can feel them. Omg I am going to die today.

So, I told Spencer to call the doctor. He called and explained it and there was no appointments for today and the nurse asked to talk to me and I could barely talk or breathe and she said, "Go to the ER right now. Call us back later."

I go wake up Alikah and we get everyone ready and leave. The drive was awful.
Spencer didnt know what to say but just some advice: If you are ever trying to help someone thats having a panic attack dont ask them "Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay?"
It will most likely make them panic worse because then you think THEY think you are about to die too.

Anyways, we get to the ER and I walk up and (still can barely talk and now Im like hyperventilating) say, "Im having a really bad panic attack."
Thats pretty much all. She got my name and told me I could go sit in a more private waiting room if I needed too but by the time we rounded up all the kids they had already called me back.

I told the nurses and doctors the same thing and they just hooked me up and gave me a shot of Ativan in my arm.

While I was waiting for it to kick in like 4 or 5 nurses and volunteers were hanging out in our room and helping with the kids. They were all really nice. They kids acted really well like usual and they were saying the nurses down the hall cannot believe we have 3 kids in there with us haha.

They gave me a new prescription for Clonazepam/Klonopin which is the only panic meds that have ever worked for me and Ive been wanting to get them back since after I had Bodhi but -surprise- I was too scared to call and make an appointment. So in the end Im extremely glad I did go to the hospital, because I didnt have to talk much... they could easily see that I needed it back!

SO HOPEFULLY now my brain can get a break. *Deep Breathes*

OK HERES SOME PICTURES!

we finally have a washer and dryer here!

panic

I had one of, if not, the worst panic attack of my life today.
I was going to do dishes then put Alikah down for nap and shortly after I started doing them I was like, "Hmm. I feel weird. Wow. Im going to pass out. Why am I shaking?" and I just dropped the sponge and walked into the bathroom and sat down and told myself to breathe.
It was all the usual panic attack things: My hands were shaking and numb, my heart was racing, It felt like the room was spinning, my whole body was tingling, I thought I was about to die. I almost called 911.
I went outside to take huge breathes, but being outside made it worse when I looked at the sky for some reason.
I walked around the house and that just made it worse too because everything looked different/it felt surreal.
I honest to God for awhile thought that I was already dead and I was a ghost walking around, thats how fucking weird I felt. You guys...I used the play stethoscope to make sure my heart was really still beating. I was out of my mind.
I emailed Spencer even though I could barely type and then looked up online what to do and so then, doing what they suggested on some website, I was walking around going, "STOP. STOP. STOP. ITS JUST A PANIC ATTACK. I AM NOT DYING. I AM NOT DYING."
Pretty sure Alikah (whos nap never happened) thought I was insane. The first time I said STOP shes like, "Im not doing anything?!"
It felt like it was going on for hours but it had only been a half hour.
Finally I just took some more lorazepam and sat down, closed my eyes and focused only on breathing and eventually - slowly - it went away. In total it was about 2 hours.

It was seriously fucking terrifying.

I have a script for Zoloft. I took it one day while Bodhi was in the NICU. When I got there, I couldnt see straight (which made me want to cry because I could barely see Bodhi and I wanted to so bad) and I felt really weird. So I didnt take it again. Two days ago I decided to try and take it before bed to see if maybe then it wouldnt mess up my vision so bad the next day.
You know what? FUCK YOU ZOLOFT. Never fucking trying again.
After this happened I looked up stuff online and found out this happens to so many people on Zoloft and read a bunch of other horrible and scary reviews. Ugh.

ON the bright side, once it ended I was in an "Im so happy I didnt just die" mood, and it made me extremely grateful.

Sidenote: Then I gave Harper a bath and he pooped in it. Speaking of poop, yesterday Alikah pooped her pants.

Alikah just fell asleep while I was writing this. See? Told you she missed her nap.

Dont mind the enormous pink unicorn Spencer brought home for her today. He threw it into the house and left to run to the grocery store without saying a word. So until he got back I was just laughing like what the fuck.
And heres some pictures of Bodhi...

Goodnight.

The Reception

Friday, February 17th:
I knew I should have wrote this sooner. Well, we stayed at my parents. Thursday night I had gone with my mom to OfficeMax to order my "programs." They couldnt open them on their computers because they didnt have the software. So, that night I had to re-do them and email them new copies. Friday morning Spencer & I went to pick them up. There was supposed to be little decorative swirls on the back, but they had a 1 and a 2. I was so stressed out that I was like, "Its fine Ill just put a sticker over them or something.." and we left. I quickly realized how hard that would have been and we turned around and went back. I made Spencer go in, and they did re-do them for free. I guess they even said, "Yeah, I thought the 1-2 looked weird but we thought maybe it was for 2012."Looking back the programs were a big waste of time and money; because I went home with 100+ of them, and they ended up in the trash.We also had to run to David's Bridal for hair accessories and Target for favors.
At 6:00 PM my mom, Heather and I had appointments to get our nails done and waxing. I got a pedicure and fake nails for the first time. They were annoying, but fun to play with.I couldnt do anything - the worst, I found out later, was taking out my contacts.We went to Applebees afterwards for dinner. Once we got back I printed off some signs...[Guestbook, Kids Table, Please take one, Sit wherever you'd like.]
Saturday Morning:
I woke up at 7AM and showered. Then I got to work tracing the signs in glue and adding green glitter and also putting together the favors. I hated them. Not what I wanted at all, we just ended up buying a bunch of Valentines Day candy that was on clearance and tying them in [IMO] ugly tulle baggies. I hate tulle.
Saturday Afternoon:
We had out hair and make-up appointments at 12:15. I loved my hair. It was exactly how I told her I wanted it to look, even if it was falling out before the reception even started.My make-up, on the other hand, I hated. I was already near-tears because of a text I had gotten while I was getting my hair done. Spencer's parents decided they werent going to pay the balance for the food&bar - the ONLY THING we asked them to pay for. I was furious. Seriously. I am guessing my mom paid DOUBLE the "budget" she had given us, BEFORE I had to tell her hours before the reception that now she had to pay an additional ~$5,000. I black out when I am really mad, so I dont really remember waiting to get my makeup done. The lady that did my make-up was extremely fake and annoying. I told her not to make my cheeks stand out. She did anyway. I made her take it off. I still hated it, but it was almost 4 and I still had to finish signs and favors and get the reception site by 5 for pictures.
I ran into my parents, drank a beer, fixed my makeup, worked on signs, sent Heather to Micheal's crafts, my dad and Spencer came back from setting up the lights and Spencer still had to shower and get ready andddd....YA. I was freaking out. We got to the hall at 5:10. I still had to put my dress on and no one was there to help me. Thankfully Spencer actually did really well lacing up the corset back on my dress!! We relaxed and drank some beer because I was kinda freakin. This was also a bad idea because it was freezing out and we had about 20 minutes to take pictures before it got dark.We had fun, but I do not like most the professional pictures that we took outside. While we were taking pictures Heather and her friends were setting up the tables inside. Again - not at all what I had in mind. I really wish we had done everything a few hours earlier. But then again I had no idea wed be at the salon for 4 hours.
Saturday Night - The Reception
Once we got back inside, people were already showing up. The reception didnt start until 7 and thankfully it was just my grandparents and some other close family members so we just continued to take family pictures indoor. I wrote this a few days after the wedding: "I am really excited to see the pictures but I am also pretty upset about how it all went. I wanted more of me and Spencer, pictures with the kids [it was too cold, Alikah wasnt listening.] I wanted single ones of Spencer and I but we didnt do any. I also wanted snow dammit."
Everyone started coming and I walked around and talked to everyone. Joe (Gina's boyfriend) finally got Gina on Skype after searching for a wifi signal for ever. So she was "there" via Skype from the Philippines! After awhile we got sent out into the hall to come in for our "entrance." I was already nervous but when the doors open everyone was standing for a "tunnel of love" and I dont even know. It was really embarrasing for me, but fun.Spencer's mom and Heather made speeches and after that the DJ announced my first dance would be with my dad....but my dad was outside. Ha. Ya. But totally expected. I cried like I knew I would. Mine and Spencer's first dance was to "Unique is my Dove" by Matisyahu, because of course it was.This is also my favorite picture.Of course, the rest of the night was drinking, eating and dancing. We had a great time.
My mom had booked a hotel room for us so when we left we went there. I had stuck to "only beer" most of the night but definitely did some shots near the end.I fell asleep on the ride to the hotel. But wait - it gets classier. We got pulled over. Some of Spencer's friends had a hotel close to us and still wanted to hang out after the reception but we declined. Anyway - I am so glad my mom did that for us - I had no idea until the day of!
We woke up and realized we had missed free breakfast - damn - so we walked to the gas station and got some snacks and beer. After that we went to my parents to pick up the kids and our presents. I didnt write any notes down for Sunday so unfortunately now, over a month later, I have no idea what we did. I think we just came home.
I whined in this entry, but looking back planning and preparing for the wedding wasnt nearly as stressful as I thought it would be. It would have been 1000x worse if we had had a big wedding ceremony. I am really glad we did it how we did it, and even though things went wrong and there wasnt enough time on THE DAY OF, it really did go well and it was a really fun experience and time - just how we wanted it.

filler post.

Im late on Harper's 7 month post because we have our doctors appointment on Friday and I want to wait til then to get all his stats.

My dress appointment went fine. They cut out the tulle and cut of the train while I was there. I love it more already! I have the train, hopefully Ill think of something neat to make out of it for memories.

We put up a few decorations in Harper's room, started our picture wall, and will probably do Alikah's tonight. Its going to take a looonngg time for me to get everything how I want it, though. One thing I hate about it is that the walls are not white. They are cream, but all the door and window frames and baseboards are white. Why?? But I know well end up painting most of them anyways.

Spencers been taking Alikah out in the snow and she LOVES it! Its adorable.

We're sleeping over at my parent all this weekend because on Friday I have a floral appointment and were going to the courthouse to get our wedding license. Then Sunday is my bridal shower! Seems pointless to drive back here for just one night.

Speaking of Bridal shower...I CANT BELIEVE HOW CLOSE WE ARE TO THE WEDDING. Omg all my confirmation emails are coming in and its actually really stressing me out because everyone wants me to call them and I hate talking on the phone and ahhh. And I have no fucking meds because my old doctors office is freaken stupid and like I said I dont have an appointment here until Friday. So that makes it even worse...

...which reminds me. I hate driving. But since Ive been off my meds it is almost unbearable. I gasp or scream or flinch every 30 seconds. (I dont drive, Spencer does) I hold my breathe without realizing it. I feel like Im going to throw up. Ugh. The last time I drove somewhere was when I drove the car and Spencer drove the U-Haul back, and it was seriously the most awful drive of my life. Im not even exaggerating when I saw I was literally screaming probably half the way there. And saying "ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod" and holding my breathe of course. When we finally got to the UHaul place I was shaking soooo badly and told Spencer I was never driving again.
So I guess its good we moved here and I can literally walk everywhere haha.
But it really isnt funny. It sucks being off meds. A lot.