quick updater

One day until Bodhi is 11 months so I figured Id update about everyone else too, since I havent for awhile.

Alikah LOVES school. She only goes to half-day 4K. She was in preschool longer than shes in 4K haha but she does love going. She cant take the bus home for whatever reason so I have to pick her up everyday. I drive! Its like a 1 minute drive but still. Harper hated going so I bring him over to Lyndsies then meet them when we get back and we all walk to get Taitum from the bus stop.

Everyone got new routines with school. The first couple days were all messed up but now the boys have new naptimes and it works out alright.

Harper is talking a lot more and loves trains. Hes changing a little, he used to always be insanely crazy and loud and now a lot of the time when theres people over hell kind of wander off by himself. Still loves cookin ;)

Bodhi crawls, sits, and absolutely loves his walker. He runs his little cute butt off. He doesnt eat any baby food anymore. He wouldnt let anyone feed him so we just started giving him our food and he loved it. He'll eat anything haha. Ill update more on him tomorrow...

I thought about writing about me for awhile and decided why not. Ive been seeing 2 new doctors and my psychiatrist is stopping all my antidepressants and putting me on one medicine just for OCD. Shell give me meds for my panic attacks if they come back too but right now she thinks my OCD is the root of  most of my anxiety problems and wants to get that figured out first. Im really interested and somewhat scared of how Ill be once they start working...

panic and pictures

Weve been really busy with recitals, rummages, doctors appointments, inheritance appointments, a little inflatable carnival they had for the kids at the elementary school one day, just...having three kids, on and on and on..

Also my anxiety disorders have been unbearable. I was usually having 1 panic attack during the day and 1 at night. I couldnt sleep. I always woke up Spencer when I had a bad one so he couldnt sleep and had to deal with all the crazy shit I said...one night I refused to sleep anywhere but downstairs on the couch with all the lights on and he HAD to come with me. When I had them during the day they usually werent as bad but I got really tired of having to stop and deal with this shit everyday.

Last night I went to bed around 12. Spencer couldnt sleep so he was kind of up all night doing random shit. We were both just laying in bed not sleeping at 7 am. Bodhi woke up so I brought him by us and we all fell asleep for a little longer. I woke up and felt...okay. But then BAM it was just there.

I sat back down and Spencer took one look at me and was like, "Are you okay?!"
I started breathing weird. My heart hurt. I felt like I was going to die. Just getting the same thoughts I always do during my bad ones. Im gonna die. Am I sleeping? Am I already dead? My organs are all shutting down I can feel them. Omg I am going to die today.

So, I told Spencer to call the doctor. He called and explained it and there was no appointments for today and the nurse asked to talk to me and I could barely talk or breathe and she said, "Go to the ER right now. Call us back later."

I go wake up Alikah and we get everyone ready and leave. The drive was awful.
Spencer didnt know what to say but just some advice: If you are ever trying to help someone thats having a panic attack dont ask them "Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay?"
It will most likely make them panic worse because then you think THEY think you are about to die too.

Anyways, we get to the ER and I walk up and (still can barely talk and now Im like hyperventilating) say, "Im having a really bad panic attack."
Thats pretty much all. She got my name and told me I could go sit in a more private waiting room if I needed too but by the time we rounded up all the kids they had already called me back.

I told the nurses and doctors the same thing and they just hooked me up and gave me a shot of Ativan in my arm.

While I was waiting for it to kick in like 4 or 5 nurses and volunteers were hanging out in our room and helping with the kids. They were all really nice. They kids acted really well like usual and they were saying the nurses down the hall cannot believe we have 3 kids in there with us haha.

They gave me a new prescription for Clonazepam/Klonopin which is the only panic meds that have ever worked for me and Ive been wanting to get them back since after I had Bodhi but -surprise- I was too scared to call and make an appointment. So in the end Im extremely glad I did go to the hospital, because I didnt have to talk much... they could easily see that I needed it back!

SO HOPEFULLY now my brain can get a break. *Deep Breathes*

OK HERES SOME PICTURES!

we finally have a washer and dryer here!

Stones in the road? I save every single one, and one day Ill build a castle.

gramma gail & Lukey

I made Alikah's Valentines for preschool. I got the idea from pinterest and they turned out super cute but it took me longer than I planned haha. 

I had my robe on after a bath and she wanted to wear hers...

..then she made Spencer put on his...

crabby babies

snow storm 

Im still siiiick. I have chronic laryngitis.
Can barely talk, it hurts, my throat hurts, my lungs hurt, my life hurts (jk)
Ive been taking mucinex, dayquil, nyquil, throat drops, etc. Blah.

But anyways...
Weve been married for over a year!

In the anniversary card my mama sent she told us she was going to pay for our tattoos that we are getting!! Shes been helping us out so much lately. Love her. Hopefully we can get an appointment this weekend or sometime soon!

I ordered pictures at Walgreens over the weekend and they called to ask if they were taken professionally...I had to go in and sign a paper saying that I took them and that I was a photographer. I honestly cannot see myself doing that as a job (too shy) but maybe someday...

Spencer might be getting a new job. He really wants it and so do I. I will be really happy if he gets it :) Its about an hour away...so we'd be moving again but itd definitely be worth it.

My anxiety, mainly my ocd, has been pretty bad lately. My right arm is shit. I pretty much have to keep my arm and 2 fingers bandaged all day so I dont pick them. Its gross.

We went over to our landlord/friends the other day so we could catch up and she could see the kids. Their house is so beautiful. Her husband builds & restores houses (like ours) and he built their home and its just gorgeous. They live right at the bottom of a ski hill too so its a really cool view from upstairs.

All the kids are good. Besides Alikah being sassy, Harper being a dinosaur, and Bodhi never sleeping....  Other than that they are great. Alikah and Harper are like best buds lately which I absolutely love. They play, talk, laugh, hug, kiss...they dont want to be apart. Its adorable.
And Alikah is done with pullups for good!

I think thats all...will add more if I think of it :]

*Update
I guess Alikah cracked everyone up today when Spencer picked up her up from preschool...she said: "My daddy my daddy! My daddy is never mean to me...but sometimes he yells at my mommy...but they ALWAYS love each other!!"

Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.

“That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.”

The last week has been hard. Really hard. Hard for me and hard on Spencer because he cant do anything to help me and it really bothers him. And Alikah can tell and that kills me.

You would think after 12 years of dealing with this it would get easier. But every single time it attacks me, it knocks me to the ground. Makes you feel like complete shit, you know? I hate it.

I am back on all my meds and hopefully will be able to make peace with myself soon. Until then I have my loves. I can be mean and resentful during these times, and I am so lucky to have someone that understands and loves me through it.

“When I looked at you, my life made sense. Even the bad things made sense. They were necessary to make you possible.”

Im sorry, Ill be back to normal updating soon. 

walking, school and aloe

Hola. Its my dad's 50th birthday today! Happy Birthday dad. We are going over there tomorrow...

Spencer has been working new hours and we both really like it. He will be switching to 2nd shift soon-ish though & well have to change our schedule a little. But Im looking forward to 2nd shift, I think it'll work for us. 

Harper is walking all over :) 

Its funny because I know when Alikah was learning she would hold both arms out to the sides to balance and take it very very slow. She gradually sped up and went farther distances.
Harper though, he thought about this whole walking thing A LOT in advance. The week or two that he would take 2 steps then drop he was always so concentrated. Its like he was taking his time and figuring it all out in his head before he attempted it. So now that hes decided hes got it? Instantly a little pro. 

He walks so confidently. Over this toy? Sure. While drinking my bottle? Easy. 

I love seeing him out of the corner of my eye just walking around. Im definitely not used to it yet. Hes such a big dude. 

Weve been saying this for months but we are going to look into preschools for Alikah. She wants to go to school. She wants to meet friends. Originally I only wanted her gone one day a week, and Id still prefer that but Heather said that might change after Boden's born and I think shes right. 

I know Alikah will absolutely love it, but I will really miss her. I probably need to get used to that though haha. 

chalk toes

On Monday Harper has his 1 year old check-up and I have a midwife appointment, so Ill probably do my next pregnancy update then :)

Ill leave you with this...Ive mentioned on here before that I have OCD, but just like in real life I very rarely talk about it. Truthfully, it fucking sucks. Im not going to go into details, but the other day I was obsessing over something and the end result is a chemical burn across my neck. Thankfully, it has gotten much better.

Wanna see? Dont worry I wont show you the worst of it. This is last night & from a webcam, so its the worst quality/least gross. It doesnt hurt, but the itch is like torture. Aloe + ibuprofen help but I cant wait for it to be fully healed. 

It also helps when Alikah watches me clean it and then goes, "You should put some aloe on that."

Spencer suggested we take the kids to Dairy Queen for supper (they have a play place) so I might have to go out in public with my neck wrapped. Im so dumb.

a nap-time post

This little guy will be ONE in a week!

Spencer was supposed to work a half day today and we were going to go to the beach but that ended up not happening.
But!! Now hes going to have off all day tomorrow instead! And its supposed to be almost 90* so well probably spend the whole day there instead of just a few hours.

We went outside to play and I was spraying off some toys with the hose, so of course the kids ended up soaked and dirty. I brought them right up to the bath when we came inside but we had no hot water?
Our hot water runs out super fast, but I had showered at least 2 hours before so I thought it would be fine. Guess not.
It wasnt freezing or anything but definitely not a *nice* bath temperature.
I rinsed them off, washed their hair quick then got them out. 5 minutes tops haha.

Alikah is always listening. Always. When we were at my parents on Sunday, my mom at some point brought up that a year or so ago after Alikah peed in her bed she slept on the floor for a few days. (By choice.) She just really hated peeing in her bed.
It must have triggered something in her head because Monday and yesterday she peed in her bed at nap time. Shes napping right now, so im crossing my fingers.

Ugh, ocd. I messed up my face. Im kinda scared to clean anything because I think itll send me on a rampage. I was also feelin pretty shitty on Monday, but yesterday I was able to sort myself out a little bit and have felt better since.

I bought pita chips from the store the other week and now I am in love with them. With cream cheese or hummus. Yum.
Im ordering picture prints this week. We are taking a trip to Target this weekend. I am overly excited for both.

Alright. I should go do dishes. But Im going to get coffee, then come back and watch Deal or No Deal on dvr.
I love/hate this show.

filler post.

Im late on Harper's 7 month post because we have our doctors appointment on Friday and I want to wait til then to get all his stats.

My dress appointment went fine. They cut out the tulle and cut of the train while I was there. I love it more already! I have the train, hopefully Ill think of something neat to make out of it for memories.

We put up a few decorations in Harper's room, started our picture wall, and will probably do Alikah's tonight. Its going to take a looonngg time for me to get everything how I want it, though. One thing I hate about it is that the walls are not white. They are cream, but all the door and window frames and baseboards are white. Why?? But I know well end up painting most of them anyways.

Spencers been taking Alikah out in the snow and she LOVES it! Its adorable.

We're sleeping over at my parent all this weekend because on Friday I have a floral appointment and were going to the courthouse to get our wedding license. Then Sunday is my bridal shower! Seems pointless to drive back here for just one night.

Speaking of Bridal shower...I CANT BELIEVE HOW CLOSE WE ARE TO THE WEDDING. Omg all my confirmation emails are coming in and its actually really stressing me out because everyone wants me to call them and I hate talking on the phone and ahhh. And I have no fucking meds because my old doctors office is freaken stupid and like I said I dont have an appointment here until Friday. So that makes it even worse...

...which reminds me. I hate driving. But since Ive been off my meds it is almost unbearable. I gasp or scream or flinch every 30 seconds. (I dont drive, Spencer does) I hold my breathe without realizing it. I feel like Im going to throw up. Ugh. The last time I drove somewhere was when I drove the car and Spencer drove the U-Haul back, and it was seriously the most awful drive of my life. Im not even exaggerating when I saw I was literally screaming probably half the way there. And saying "ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod" and holding my breathe of course. When we finally got to the UHaul place I was shaking soooo badly and told Spencer I was never driving again.
So I guess its good we moved here and I can literally walk everywhere haha.
But it really isnt funny. It sucks being off meds. A lot.