panic

I had one of, if not, the worst panic attack of my life today.
I was going to do dishes then put Alikah down for nap and shortly after I started doing them I was like, "Hmm. I feel weird. Wow. Im going to pass out. Why am I shaking?" and I just dropped the sponge and walked into the bathroom and sat down and told myself to breathe.
It was all the usual panic attack things: My hands were shaking and numb, my heart was racing, It felt like the room was spinning, my whole body was tingling, I thought I was about to die. I almost called 911.
I went outside to take huge breathes, but being outside made it worse when I looked at the sky for some reason.
I walked around the house and that just made it worse too because everything looked different/it felt surreal.
I honest to God for awhile thought that I was already dead and I was a ghost walking around, thats how fucking weird I felt. You guys...I used the play stethoscope to make sure my heart was really still beating. I was out of my mind.
I emailed Spencer even though I could barely type and then looked up online what to do and so then, doing what they suggested on some website, I was walking around going, "STOP. STOP. STOP. ITS JUST A PANIC ATTACK. I AM NOT DYING. I AM NOT DYING."
Pretty sure Alikah (whos nap never happened) thought I was insane. The first time I said STOP shes like, "Im not doing anything?!"
It felt like it was going on for hours but it had only been a half hour.
Finally I just took some more lorazepam and sat down, closed my eyes and focused only on breathing and eventually - slowly - it went away. In total it was about 2 hours.

It was seriously fucking terrifying.

I have a script for Zoloft. I took it one day while Bodhi was in the NICU. When I got there, I couldnt see straight (which made me want to cry because I could barely see Bodhi and I wanted to so bad) and I felt really weird. So I didnt take it again. Two days ago I decided to try and take it before bed to see if maybe then it wouldnt mess up my vision so bad the next day.
You know what? FUCK YOU ZOLOFT. Never fucking trying again.
After this happened I looked up stuff online and found out this happens to so many people on Zoloft and read a bunch of other horrible and scary reviews. Ugh.

ON the bright side, once it ended I was in an "Im so happy I didnt just die" mood, and it made me extremely grateful.

Sidenote: Then I gave Harper a bath and he pooped in it. Speaking of poop, yesterday Alikah pooped her pants.

Alikah just fell asleep while I was writing this. See? Told you she missed her nap.

Dont mind the enormous pink unicorn Spencer brought home for her today. He threw it into the house and left to run to the grocery store without saying a word. So until he got back I was just laughing like what the fuck.
And heres some pictures of Bodhi...

Goodnight.

Sleepin' and poopin'

Harper has been kind of difficult. He is very, very clingy towards me. I am basically not allowed to NOT hold him. The last couple days have been the worst. He will not fall asleep unless hes laying on me. The past two nights I've had to go to bed holding him. (Yeah, yeah, dangerous, I know.) Its so uncomfortable. My body hurts. And then he grunts, constantly, all night long and it keeps me awake...all night long. The other day I gave up and left him by Spencer and went and slept on the couch for 2 hours from 3-5. This morning at like 6:30 when Spencer left I decided FUCK IT ILL GET UP and we went and laid on the couch. Thankfully we did fall asleep for an hour then. I woke up at 7:15 and he was sound asleep next to me so I decided to try and move him to his swing...NOPE. He was up and yelling at me by the time I got two steps away.

My mom today said it was because I spoiled him too much and I need to just let him cry more. I dont know. I dont think you can spoil a baby. And Alikah didnt stop sleeping with me until she was 6 months. But then again shes always been an amazing sleeper and she didnt GRUNT in my ear in her sleep lol.
I have no problem with letting babies "cry it out" but I just feel like Harper is still too young for that.
But I dont want him to get too used to this because it really is exhausting for me.

Also, I dont enjoy being peed on every.single.day.
And it amazes me how many times he can fart and poop in one day.
He farts LOUD. Its so weird that that can come from such a little guy.

Hes lucky hes so damn cute.

Poop!

The last hour and a half of my day...
-When Lisa dropped Alikah off, I could hear her before they even came around the corner and Lisa laughs and goes, "Oh my gosh - She is SO EXCITED to be home!"
-I got a big hug and a kiss right away along with an "I love you so much!"
-She had a blast last night at the birthday party and then today at dinner she ate some rice and bread and didnt touch her chicken finger. (Totally Alikah.)
-Lisa said a lot of really nice things to Spencer which I really appreciated.
There is just something about hearing someone else say how great he is that makes me love him even more. It makes me feel so lucky every time, because he IS amazing, and hes mine! :)

I gave Alikah a quick bath before bed. At one point she looks up and me and says she has to poop so I quick take her out and plop her on her potty.
But she started screamed.
She got up and ran to me, clung on to me screaming and crying. I was holding her out a little asking, "Whats wrong whats wrong??!" and she just pulled herself right back into me and then started pooping on me.
I realized it was really hurting her so Im going "ARE YOU OKAY DOES YOUR TUMMY HURT ITS OK ITS OK!!" and she was pooping on the mat and going "ICKY ICKY ICKY!" and Spencer came to see what was happening and finally out comes this huge poop and then she just...stops.
And goes and sits back on her potty all cute with her hands in her lap and says, "Sorry..."

I held her while she pooped on me.
And then afterwards was saying how adorable she was.
How cute she was for pooping on me.



Goodnight :)