panic and pictures

Weve been really busy with recitals, rummages, doctors appointments, inheritance appointments, a little inflatable carnival they had for the kids at the elementary school one day, just...having three kids, on and on and on..

Also my anxiety disorders have been unbearable. I was usually having 1 panic attack during the day and 1 at night. I couldnt sleep. I always woke up Spencer when I had a bad one so he couldnt sleep and had to deal with all the crazy shit I said...one night I refused to sleep anywhere but downstairs on the couch with all the lights on and he HAD to come with me. When I had them during the day they usually werent as bad but I got really tired of having to stop and deal with this shit everyday.

Last night I went to bed around 12. Spencer couldnt sleep so he was kind of up all night doing random shit. We were both just laying in bed not sleeping at 7 am. Bodhi woke up so I brought him by us and we all fell asleep for a little longer. I woke up and felt...okay. But then BAM it was just there.

I sat back down and Spencer took one look at me and was like, "Are you okay?!"
I started breathing weird. My heart hurt. I felt like I was going to die. Just getting the same thoughts I always do during my bad ones. Im gonna die. Am I sleeping? Am I already dead? My organs are all shutting down I can feel them. Omg I am going to die today.

So, I told Spencer to call the doctor. He called and explained it and there was no appointments for today and the nurse asked to talk to me and I could barely talk or breathe and she said, "Go to the ER right now. Call us back later."

I go wake up Alikah and we get everyone ready and leave. The drive was awful.
Spencer didnt know what to say but just some advice: If you are ever trying to help someone thats having a panic attack dont ask them "Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay?"
It will most likely make them panic worse because then you think THEY think you are about to die too.

Anyways, we get to the ER and I walk up and (still can barely talk and now Im like hyperventilating) say, "Im having a really bad panic attack."
Thats pretty much all. She got my name and told me I could go sit in a more private waiting room if I needed too but by the time we rounded up all the kids they had already called me back.

I told the nurses and doctors the same thing and they just hooked me up and gave me a shot of Ativan in my arm.

While I was waiting for it to kick in like 4 or 5 nurses and volunteers were hanging out in our room and helping with the kids. They were all really nice. They kids acted really well like usual and they were saying the nurses down the hall cannot believe we have 3 kids in there with us haha.

They gave me a new prescription for Clonazepam/Klonopin which is the only panic meds that have ever worked for me and Ive been wanting to get them back since after I had Bodhi but -surprise- I was too scared to call and make an appointment. So in the end Im extremely glad I did go to the hospital, because I didnt have to talk much... they could easily see that I needed it back!

SO HOPEFULLY now my brain can get a break. *Deep Breathes*

OK HERES SOME PICTURES!

we finally have a washer and dryer here!

panic

I had one of, if not, the worst panic attack of my life today.
I was going to do dishes then put Alikah down for nap and shortly after I started doing them I was like, "Hmm. I feel weird. Wow. Im going to pass out. Why am I shaking?" and I just dropped the sponge and walked into the bathroom and sat down and told myself to breathe.
It was all the usual panic attack things: My hands were shaking and numb, my heart was racing, It felt like the room was spinning, my whole body was tingling, I thought I was about to die. I almost called 911.
I went outside to take huge breathes, but being outside made it worse when I looked at the sky for some reason.
I walked around the house and that just made it worse too because everything looked different/it felt surreal.
I honest to God for awhile thought that I was already dead and I was a ghost walking around, thats how fucking weird I felt. You guys...I used the play stethoscope to make sure my heart was really still beating. I was out of my mind.
I emailed Spencer even though I could barely type and then looked up online what to do and so then, doing what they suggested on some website, I was walking around going, "STOP. STOP. STOP. ITS JUST A PANIC ATTACK. I AM NOT DYING. I AM NOT DYING."
Pretty sure Alikah (whos nap never happened) thought I was insane. The first time I said STOP shes like, "Im not doing anything?!"
It felt like it was going on for hours but it had only been a half hour.
Finally I just took some more lorazepam and sat down, closed my eyes and focused only on breathing and eventually - slowly - it went away. In total it was about 2 hours.

It was seriously fucking terrifying.

I have a script for Zoloft. I took it one day while Bodhi was in the NICU. When I got there, I couldnt see straight (which made me want to cry because I could barely see Bodhi and I wanted to so bad) and I felt really weird. So I didnt take it again. Two days ago I decided to try and take it before bed to see if maybe then it wouldnt mess up my vision so bad the next day.
You know what? FUCK YOU ZOLOFT. Never fucking trying again.
After this happened I looked up stuff online and found out this happens to so many people on Zoloft and read a bunch of other horrible and scary reviews. Ugh.

ON the bright side, once it ended I was in an "Im so happy I didnt just die" mood, and it made me extremely grateful.

Sidenote: Then I gave Harper a bath and he pooped in it. Speaking of poop, yesterday Alikah pooped her pants.

Alikah just fell asleep while I was writing this. See? Told you she missed her nap.

Dont mind the enormous pink unicorn Spencer brought home for her today. He threw it into the house and left to run to the grocery store without saying a word. So until he got back I was just laughing like what the fuck.
And heres some pictures of Bodhi...

Goodnight.