panic and pictures

Weve been really busy with recitals, rummages, doctors appointments, inheritance appointments, a little inflatable carnival they had for the kids at the elementary school one day, just...having three kids, on and on and on..

Also my anxiety disorders have been unbearable. I was usually having 1 panic attack during the day and 1 at night. I couldnt sleep. I always woke up Spencer when I had a bad one so he couldnt sleep and had to deal with all the crazy shit I said...one night I refused to sleep anywhere but downstairs on the couch with all the lights on and he HAD to come with me. When I had them during the day they usually werent as bad but I got really tired of having to stop and deal with this shit everyday.

Last night I went to bed around 12. Spencer couldnt sleep so he was kind of up all night doing random shit. We were both just laying in bed not sleeping at 7 am. Bodhi woke up so I brought him by us and we all fell asleep for a little longer. I woke up and felt...okay. But then BAM it was just there.

I sat back down and Spencer took one look at me and was like, "Are you okay?!"
I started breathing weird. My heart hurt. I felt like I was going to die. Just getting the same thoughts I always do during my bad ones. Im gonna die. Am I sleeping? Am I already dead? My organs are all shutting down I can feel them. Omg I am going to die today.

So, I told Spencer to call the doctor. He called and explained it and there was no appointments for today and the nurse asked to talk to me and I could barely talk or breathe and she said, "Go to the ER right now. Call us back later."

I go wake up Alikah and we get everyone ready and leave. The drive was awful.
Spencer didnt know what to say but just some advice: If you are ever trying to help someone thats having a panic attack dont ask them "Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay?"
It will most likely make them panic worse because then you think THEY think you are about to die too.

Anyways, we get to the ER and I walk up and (still can barely talk and now Im like hyperventilating) say, "Im having a really bad panic attack."
Thats pretty much all. She got my name and told me I could go sit in a more private waiting room if I needed too but by the time we rounded up all the kids they had already called me back.

I told the nurses and doctors the same thing and they just hooked me up and gave me a shot of Ativan in my arm.

While I was waiting for it to kick in like 4 or 5 nurses and volunteers were hanging out in our room and helping with the kids. They were all really nice. They kids acted really well like usual and they were saying the nurses down the hall cannot believe we have 3 kids in there with us haha.

They gave me a new prescription for Clonazepam/Klonopin which is the only panic meds that have ever worked for me and Ive been wanting to get them back since after I had Bodhi but -surprise- I was too scared to call and make an appointment. So in the end Im extremely glad I did go to the hospital, because I didnt have to talk much... they could easily see that I needed it back!

SO HOPEFULLY now my brain can get a break. *Deep Breathes*

OK HERES SOME PICTURES!

we finally have a washer and dryer here!