Monday, September 22, 2014

“You get angry. Death does that.”

I chopped off my hair and dyed it purple. I just bought lightener so I can re-do it and hopefully make it last longer, I loved it!

Alikah absolutely loves school. She also already has a new boyfriend she says, his names Nolan.
Her best friend Harley is in her class and they are so cute together.
The other day our neighbor/her friend ran over and told me she never got on the bus and I freaked out and sped to her school. They found her on the wrong bus. They told me to call and report the bus company because she has a bus pass the driver is supposed to check. It was scary.

Weve been looking to move for a few months now. We found a house we love a few hours up north from where we live now.

About the title of this post. Alikah's biological father, Marshall, was shot and murdered on June 18th during a drug deal. Spencers been her dad since she was a few months old and Marshall was in prison for most of her life. He never really saw her but his parents did and still do have her one weekend every month. Its weird, I really really hated him at times but I still took his death really hard. I take all deaths hard but for someone that was such a big part of my life, it still doesnt feel real. For the last few months he was alive he didnt really bother me at all and we actually could talk on the phone and not just scream. I felt (and still do) insanely guilty when he died. I guess Ill never know if I could have changed anything and I know in my heart I was doing the right thing at the time by keeping Alikah away from him and not letting her visit him in prison, but I still struggle with it.
I saw him at the funeral home before he was cremated. I hugged him and told him I was sorry. With his parents. He wasnt physically there at his actual funeral. Me and Alikah stood up front for the funeral but she doesnt and still doesnt really understand. She knows hes dead and thats about all.

Um. I spent some time at a hospital about a month after and my blood pressure was insanely high. It took them a few days to stabilize me and get me on medication Ill most likely be on for the rest of my life. My BP was always alittle off but they told me it was like BAD bad.
My heart has given me problems for years, but after multiple ekgs and other tests they still cant pin-point whats wrong. My psychiatrist and doctors have told me it could be caused or partially caused by my eating disorders.

SO, a lot has happened. I still dont have a computer so I wont be able to update much but Im at my parents right now and figured I should.

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