im complaining/venting

Alikah got in trouble at school the other day. I guess she couldnt put her sock on and had a massive freak out about it, screaming and crying for 15+ minutes. The owner stayed late to talk to Spencer about it when he got there.
I was pretty upset about it, not only because it happened - but because she is 3 years old. I guess they said they understood that kids have tantrums but "they couldnt deal with it" and Idk, Im sorry but its a day care center. I understand you have a bunch of other kids to watch, but are tantrums somewhat expected?! So, this is the 2nd thing thats happened recently thats made me re-think our choice and maybe we should find a new preschool or just pull her our all together, I dont know...

In the past week Harper has woken up from naps seeming possessed. I recognize this because Alikah had night terrors at about the same age, but Harpers are after naps during the day. The first one he was just freaking out while Spencer was leaving for work, I said I thought he was still asleep so I was yelling for him to wake up. Once Spencer left he ran into the kitchen screaming...then was silent for a few minutes...then came walking out completely normal but looking slightly confused. The 2nd time Spencer was going to give him a bath before he left for work and Harper was screaming and climbing out of the bathtub every time Spencer tried to put him in. Harper LOVES baths, so it was weird. He is sick, too, so maybe thats why these are happening but its hard.

I was really, really hoping that Bodhi wouldnt catch whatever cold we all have but he did :(
I feel so bad. I hate hearing him cough and wheeze again.
Thankfully he is still smiley and happy most of the time. Just before bedtime is the hardest for him.

I just started birth control last month...(obviously I have never been on it before haha)
I hate it. My boobs are bigger which is cool but my. skin. is. terrible.
I told Spencer I need to find a dermatologist asap or I am going to go insane.

This was a fun post huh?
Ugh.

speak less

Alikah - 3 1/4 years

She makes me so proud. Everyday she says and does something that just amazes me. She is the sweetest girl. So understanding. I love her so much. She tries so hard to be patient with Harper, and the older he gets the more they play together and get along. I just love watching them. She can make him laugh more than anyone else and its always been that way. When we were cheering for him to walk, she always wanted to go hold his hand and help him. 

*The other day I was wet-jetting Harper's bedroom and he started crying. He was downstairs and Alikah and I were upstairs. Theres a gate on the bottom step. I knew Alikah went by him, so I told her Id be done in 1 minute and to just hang on. When I got by them, Alikah said, "Dont worry mama! I caught him! I saved him!" Harper was pulling on the gate so hard that he got the top parts loose and it started to fall. Alikah had caught it and was holding it up, with him on it, so that he wouldnt fall down a step. 

•She tells me when Im "not being nice" or that "I shouldnt do that" when I am frustrated/when I yell.

•We do a weekly sticker chart. She gets stickers for: bringing down her cups in the morning, being patient, using manners, sharing with Harper, eating all her food, and cleaning up messes. She loves it.

•Shes been doing really good the last few days with only having her nunu while shes sleeping.

•She can spell her name & is working on writing all the letters. Shes learning easy addition (1+1 and 1+2.)

•Whenever she gets in trouble or sent to her room she draws me a picture. Its always a smiley face and when she gives it to me she says, "so you wont be mad at me anymore." I always tell her Im never mad at her, but she keeps doing it. 

•She prefers talking to older people. Especially adults. She can have full conversations with anyone. She usually introduces herself, "Im Alikah. I have a cat named Stabler."

Harper - 13 months

I love this little boy like crazy. Harper is so happy that he is getting bigger. He loves discovering new things. He is walking more and more everyday. He is so independent, smart, and shy. I want to say that hes quiet but my head just shouts NO HES NOT! Because when Harper screams - he screams. He is hilarious and we often say (and have other people tell us) that he is going to be trouble because he is so brave. He gets into everything and is climbing all over the place. 

•He has the hardest head ever. If he whips that thing around and happens to get you, it hurts like fuck. He could probably break your nose. His newest nickname is Hard-head Harper.

•He fake laughs super loud whenever we laugh and it is awesome. 

•He loves books. Sometimes hes being too quiet and we look for him, only to find him sitting in a corner flipping through a book. 

•He dumps out bins of toys then picks them up. He will transfer the play food from its basket to the shopping cart. When we were just at my parents he was picking up all of Luke's hot-wheels and putting them away.

•He loves music. We were at Stefanies bridal shower on Saturday and they had a stereo and speakers in the garage. Harper was trying to find out where the sound was coming from and I held him up and pointed out the speakers. After that he didnt want to leave. Everyone was out in the yard but Harper was just hanging out in the middle of the garage, swaying back and forth all by himself. Adorable. 

•Harper is a cancer, like me, and I keep noticing new similarities. Maybe that is why we have had our troubles. We are too much alike :)

whats important to us...

-I want to always have a strong, open and honest relationship with Spencer. We hold this all together.
-I want my kids to be open minded & accepting. Happy, nice kids that are full of love.
-I want our home to always be a safe place. Calm, comfortable, somewhere we can all relax.
-I want to spend most of our days laughing and smiling.
-I never want the kids to wake up to me in a bad mood. If Im not ready for the day to start or I am frustrated when Harper wakes up from a nap, I need to just wait. Calm down & go get him up and out of his crib in a good, happy mood :)
-It bothers me sometimes that I dont cook "nice" meals for us. I am not a fan of our house being messy and/or dirty. But sometimes I really need to step back and realize that these things are not that important. I am the only one that notices how "dirty" it is. My kids dont see a difference between buttered noodles or gourmet steak. And actually they would prefer the plain noodles. They are so young. We am so young. I have so much time to cook, clean and decorate the house. There is no need to rush. It will all fall into place. It really will.

Ive decided not to make any changes until the baby is born. Seems pointless to change something now, just to need to change it again in 2 or 3 months.

We have also been dealing with M's family lately and I am having a really hard time trying to understand it all. I cant even describe how much anger I have towards them. It has quickly gone from anger towards him - to anger towards them all. And I hate it! I hate that I am still dealing with this. Im mad at myself for getting into this situation. I can not stand people that live for drama. It seriously makes me sick. Im looking forward to the day that its all over, and like Ive said before I think I will write a long post reflecting on all of it once it is.

"Everything that has a beginning, has an ending. Make your peace with that and all will be well." Buddha

yes it is

Ahhhhhhhhhhh. This morning I woke up and was like, "Wow. Im not going to do shit today." 

-Right after that, Alikah put way to much toilet paper in the toilet again so when I peed & flushed this morning half-asleep I found out that I had to dig a pound of toilet paper out and try again.

-Ive been wanting to fix the pictures going up our staircase. I decided to do it today. I got a few moved, went to hammer in another nail, and hit a stud. I was hammering so hard two other frames fell off the wall. Thankfully the glass didnt break, but both frames did. I stopped.

-We move our VCR all over and its really annoying so I wanted to move it to the living room for good. I decided to do it today. After finally finding a place to put it where the cord would reach, I couldnt find where the fuckin cord hooked up to the TV. My fault, huge waste of time. So I stopped. 

-I mentioned awhile ago that I ripped our cable outlet out of the wall and now have the TV stand pushed up against it to keep it in the wall. We didnt fix it yet, so of course I knocked it out during this. I knock it out at least once a week, but for some reason today nothing would work. *Plus side of this was that instead of watching Dr. Phil during nap time I finally got caught up on ordering pictures to develop.

Soooo I should have listened to myself this morning and not done shit today!

I got half way done with this post and decided I dont want to do this either, so Im just going to end here. 

-Im trying not to write about this until its over, but Moron's parents are so frustrating and I hate that I am trying so hard not to be mean when it doesnt matter and I have every right to think this is so ridiculous! The more I think about it the madder I get and I just cant wait for it to be done.

dirt

What age do boys stop trying to eat dirt/grass/leaves/bugs?
Taking the kids outside to play isnt even enjoyable.
I have to be an inch behind Harper at all times.

I have tried just letting him eat it.
He can eat all the grass he wants.
Things he can choke on, rocks, bugs, bird poop? No.
Today I just watched when he went over by the dirt because I just didnt care.
A whole entire handful.
He was black, his whole mouth was black, it was everywhere.
Its like, dude, really? You try this everyday.
It doesnt taste any better today. I promise.

The most fun part of going to the park is the walk there.
Once we get there Alikah has a blast, but I cant even take Harper out of the stroller or hes going to eat 1000 pebbles.
Chalk used to be one of our favorite outdoor activities.
We cant even take it out anymore.

It's so nice out today. I would have liked to spend the day outside.
But I get frustrated, we all end up back inside, and then I feel bad.

Its supposed to be hot the next few days, and my plan is to just get the pool filled up again.
Then I can trap him in there. And he'll love it! Win-win.

lose

Something was very off when I woke up this morning.

My mind is not my friend lately.

I spent the majority of my morning crying and hiding in the bathroom.

Trying to get out of your own head is torture. 

I was telling myself things that sometimes work.

It will pass. It always passes. It lies. You're wrong. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Spencer tried to help.

Alikah knocked on the door. 

"Mama are you alright in there? Can I come in?"

Spencer asked if I wanted him and the kids to leave for awhile.

Normally I would love that,

but I didnt trust myself to be alone.

We were going to come out here tomorrow for Mothers day, 

but we decided to just come today and sleep over at my parents.

Neither of us wanted to just sit at home with me. 

How sad is that? 

Ive had depression for almost 12 years. 

12 years and I still have days when I dont know what the fuck to do.

Days when it wins. 

I am so sick of it. 

Tomorrow will be better.

It has to be

Fuck.

I am frustarted and stressed out and crabby.
I am so conflicted on what I want to do right now.

But I did go out and run a quick mile today. I cant wait til its warmer.
Plus my legs and abs have been sore for a couple days now from working out.
Thats always good..

Sorry for the negative entries lately. I am stressed. Spencer is stressed. If I think about it too much, it gets bad. Im just trying to sortout my head.

Everything changed this year. But it changes every year.
I dont like getting my hopes up for nothing. I dont like look too far ahead because it could be completely different than I think its going to be.

We want the house in Cambellsport. Its an hour away. Almost exactly halfway between West Bend and Fond Du Lac. Its a really small town, population under 2,000. They have showed it to a lot of people but the one thing we have going for us is that we want to move NOW. If we go on Saturday and decide we love it, Im pretty sure we will get it. So I hope we love it.

Harper is getting more teeth, so he is miserable. Nothing makes him happy. It seems like we get a day or two of happy Harper, and then its back to screaming constantly. And nothing can make him stop. As I write this he is screaming like he is dying in his crib.

I have lost 10 pounds. I ran 7 miles yesterday with no problems from my knee, so that was good. Thank you knee.

I havent talked to Spencer's parents in awhile but based on what I hear from Spencer, his dad is being an ass so that is pissing me off now too. Saying stupid shit like "Well thats right in the middle of (some kind of fish) hunting season," (about our wedding) Well you know what, SORRY. If going fishing is more important to you than going to your sons wedding, THEN GO.

I not happy with how everything is going right now. Im not happy with how Im reacting to it.

VENT.

We have 2 weeks to find a house and move. On Saturday after our cake appointment in Oshkosh were going to stop and look at a house. I talked to the lady yesterday and everything seems great and wed be able to move in ASAP. Only negative is wed have to spend more money initially because wed need to buy a refrigerator and washer and dryer. But if we can get it, itll be worth it.

The other house I was interested in, the guy said he thinks the last couple that viewed it is going to take it but if they dont hell let me know.

Spencer cant look for a new job until we find out where were moving.

And then of course Christmas is right smack in the middle of everything.

I think all I have left to do for the wedding is flowers, cake, and dress alterations (also pissing me off. Need to find someone new.)

My doctors office is stupid as hell. I called TWO WEEKS ago for my prescription. Said they'd call me back. Nothing. Called a week ago, said they'd get it ready. Nothing. Called again. "Oh, yeah, we have it here." Go pick it up. ITS FROM NOVEMBER 4TH. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU NOT TELL ME THAT THE OTHER 3 TIMES I CALLED? And its STILL not right. It was for 30, not 90. Yeah, because it makes perfect since to refill a prescription every 15 days. Idiots.