ponys and pigs

Wednesdays are becoming library days. Depending on how many books we get and the weather, we go every week or two. Theres usually a few other kids there so Alikah makes a friend and her and Harper play while I pick out books. The walk home is harder because the stroller is so much heavier haha.

Around 7:30 Spencer was outside with the kids and a few neighbors walked over to say hey, ended up staying for a few hours drinking beer. They had been drinking before they came over and they were pretty funny. One of them kept saying, "thats/its groooovy maaan." Ive never heard anyone seriously say that before haha. I came in to put the kids to bed and do dishes, etc and all the guys stayed out there drinking.

Today is "Customer Appreciation Day" at our Piggly so we walked down to that.
They had food samples, .50 cent root beer floats, .50 cent pizza, kettle corn, sausage races (we missed them, Alikah was kind of mad), free face paint, free pony rides, ambulances and firetrucks to go in.
It was cute! Alikah had a lot of fun. Harp was content chillin in the stroller like always.

after she smeared it a bit

Friday Update.

Gym:
Monday October 3rd - Ran 5.28 miles, burned 507 calories.
Tuesday October 4th - Ran 5.63 miles, burned 610 calories.
Wednesday October 5th - My grandma died.
Tuesday October 11th - Ran 4.13 miles, burned 412 calories.
Wednesday October 12th - Ran 4.87 miles, burned 514 calories.
Friday October 14th - Ran 5.07 miles, burned 505 calories.
Im not keeping off any weight. Maybe Ill take measurements tomorrow.

I dont have much more to update on. We went to the library yesterday for new books and I got the first year of SVU on DVD, thats about as exciting as it gets.

I did get a video of Harper laughing this morning though, and I cant stop smiling every single time I watch it. I love when hes happy. It makes me excited to see him grow and watch his personality come out. Spencer and I have been having communication issues. At least I think thats what you would call it. Its mostly me, I have a habit of taking every thing the wrong way. I have this really cool talent of taking anything someone says to me and twisting it into something against me.

So, anyway. I told him that I wouldnt be on the computer after the kids went to bed anymore so we could spend that time together. (Unless he goes to sleep at the same time they do.) He suggested putting Harper in day-care a few days a week since the kid drives me freakin nuts sometimes but I suggested using the money we'd spend on that for us to go out alone every 2 weeks or so. I feel really disconnected lately. I feel alone with myself but I know that its my doing and he would listen if I ever wanted to talk. Blah. I could say more but honestly I dont even feel like it.

"Sweetest Day" is tomorrow and were going out for dinner. Alikah's going by nonna. I was under the impression that Spencer's mom was watching Harper but I guess shes not. If I would have known that I wouldnt have let them have Alikah, but too late. We're just going to go with him to our favorite little chinese restaurant I think.

the past week and TVs

Wednesday August 17th - Theres a little park a mile and a half up the road from us and I took a walk with the kids there to play. No ones ever there and its small enough for Alikah to be able to do everything herself. Usually she wont slide alone but she goes down all 3 slides by herself there. I think its partly because shes not feeling pressured to hurry up or anything by other kids, she can just take her time. She likes to find broken pieces of asphalt and put them down the slides lol.After Spencer got home we all went to the library. We got a LOT of books and two Spongebob DVDs, of course.

Thursday August 18th - I had my "6 week" follow up doctors appointment. Nothing special...I stopped taking my citalopram a couple weeks ago and she wants me to start taking it again but I dont think Im going to. We talked a lot about Harpers gas though and she showed me how to do belly massages and stuff. I asked her about switching to soy and she said to try it but if we dont notice it making any difference to switch right back to regular.After the appointment we went to my parents to swim. Alikah was a grump. We came home to nap and we played outside with all the neighbor kids later.

Friday August 19th - We didnt do much. Went on a couple walks. My mom called though and told us Marnie had a TV and stand she needed to get rid of and that if we brought them a case of beer we could take it. Super weird timing because Spencer had just said the day before that we were finally going to get one on Monday. But we decided well take both - we dont really have room in this apartment and can only get cable in one room but once we move Itll definitely be nice to have more than one!

Saturday August 20th - I got ridiculously tired after taking my meds in the morning. Usually that doesnt happen so I think it was them + my lack of sleep lately. I passed out with Harper until like 1 PM and then we all got ready and went to the little park again. We brought Alikah's soccer ball so her and Spencer kicked that around for awhile and Alikah climbed up the "rock wall" all by herself...and then again and again and again...After the park we went to pick up the TV from Marnie. We borrowed my moms SUV & dolly cart to bring it home. It is a monster of a freakin TV. Our stairs have 3 steps, then they turn and come the rest of the way up. Well the TV wouldnt fit up the first 3 on the dolly so we had to carry that fucker up those. But then once we got it up there, we couldnt fit the dolly on the landing with it to get it the rest of the way up and theres no way in hell I would have been able to carry it the rest of the way up, so here is our TV:Awesome! So after an hour of trying we brought my moms car back and then left pretty quick. We were going to a bonfire/cook out at Anthony's (Spencers friend from work) and the whole TV deal had already made us later than we wanted to be. We had some hot dogs, some beer (well I had Sparks), Alikah had fun playing soccer and tangling up the ladder ball strings, and once it got darker we watched Napoleon Dynamite - Anthony has a projection screen on the side of his garage which was just really cool. Anthony met his girlfriend Val on match.com and Ive gotten to hear all about it since the beginning so I was excited to finally get to meet her too :)

Sunday August 21st - Harper's two months old! (I have an draft saved - his appointment is tomorrow so I want to wait to find out his length/weight before I publish it.) We all slept until 10:00!! Alikah must have been exhausted. I woke up first and I was like holy crap is it seriously 10?? And then Spencer got up and was like "Alikahs not awake?!" Haha. We were lazy. Spencer took the kids to the grocery store while I showered. I even got to shave my legs...exciting. After Alikah's nap we headed over to Aram, Derek and Lee's (Spencer's friends) house for Derek's birthday get together. They have horse-shoes so Alikah played in the "sandbox" a lot and ran around with Spencer, Derek and Derek's girlfriend Danielle. Aram made burgers and Alikah almost ate a whole one! She very very rarely eats meat so its always surprising when she does. Harper was crabby so I was dealing with him most of the time. We left around 8:30.

Today Brandons coming home with Spencer after work so they can finally get the TV inside and then were going to get the new one tomorrow. Honestly I have no idea where were even going to put the monster TV for now. Its going in our bedroom somewhere but no really sure where....and then the tiny TV we have been using is moving to Alikah's room. They wont have cable but we figure at least she'll be able to watch movies and I can hook up my Playstation to the one in our room.

No weight changes. I'm at a stand still. BUT Spencer is getting me a gym membership and then a couple days a week when he gets home he said he'll watch the kids so I can go. Ive been wanting one for awhile so Im really excited!

a cluster fook - part one

DAMN I am behind.
Wednesday July 6th - I took the kids to my parents. Me and Alikah swam for awhile, she did not walk to stop jumping in. Its funny because now that shes been dunked every time I tell her were going swimming the first thing she says, "Please do not dunk me!" Harper does what he always does - slept and looked amazing adorable :)

Thursday July 7th - By the time Spencer came home I had a headache and was really annoyed but didnt know why.

We went to the library. Alikah played with blocks the whole time. She wasnt interested in looking for books so I picked out a couple for her and we left. Oh and Spencer got a History DVD...he likes that kinda stuff.

So then I was putting Alikah in the car and she was just talk talk talk talk talk talk and then I realized why I felt so annoyed...she had literally not stopped talking for longer than maybe 5 seconds the whole day. Its too mean to tell a kid to SHUT THE HELL UP right? Anyway, Spencer had to run into Pick N Save so were waiting in the car and shes throwing a ball at my seat and she kept dropping it, of course. So shes back there going, "MOM! MOM! BALL BALL! MOM MY BALL! BALL BALL!"

Eventually I turned around and yelled "YOURE A BALL!!"
She stared at me like I was insane for a second and then started cracking up. Like, REALLY cracking up. Which made me crack up. And then we spent the rest of our time waiting calling each other refrigerators, turtles, garbage trucks..
Kids are entertained by the weirdest shit.

Then Dominic came over when we got home. I was glad she had someone else to TALK TALK TALK to, but I could still hear it...and now it was two of them. So I kicked them all outside so I could have some quiet. Then after 5 minutes I missed them and had to go out and watch them play :)

Friday July 8th - We tried to play outside but it was ridiculously buggy for some reason. I almost think they like Alikah's sunscreen because they really were swarming her and she wasnt too happy.Harper was in his car seat with a bug net and Alikah was so interested/worried about it. She kept going, "HES STUCK IN THE NET! GET HIM OUT!" When we came back inside and I took it off she said, "He just came out!" Which was cute because thats exactly what she always said right after he was born haha.

That meaninglessness, stripped of all fantasies and dreams, becomes the hidden meaning itself.

Things have been somewhat depressing.
Thats the easiest way to say it without going into a novel-long explanation.
I tried writing last night.
Plus, I seriously dont even know where to start or how to explain how Ive been feeling.
But I will say that I have been trying for weeks to shake myself back to normal but I am giving up. (I even went to church last night)
Im gonna talk to my doctor about going back on my meds.
I cried about it to Spencer today because I really wanted to make it through the pregnancy without any, but I cant go 3 more months feeling like this.
I cant even go 2 weeks until my next appointment which is why I need to call her tomorrow.
I feel like a failure basically and even I feel stupid saying that because I know its not true but I do. Im glad I made it this far.

Spencer has been seriously amazing (like usual) and I love him more and more each day.

We went to the library today to get library cards and some books.
Alikah was so excited. "LOOK AT ALL THE BOOKS! LOOK AT ALL THE STUFF!!"
She found Quiet LOUD and Goodnight Moon all by herself and pointed them out to me.
It was so cute. I think we got about 10 books.
I loved it too and Im glad that well have some more variety now.
Im looking forward to spending more time there. Once its a little warmer I think we will be walking there often :)

Spencer and I are so excited for Alikah's birthday.
She would be too if she knew where we were going haha.
It should be really nice.
I need a vacation.

goodnight.