Wednesday, April 13, 2016

this world is not our final home

Hey guys!  ***My next post will be a lot more fun than this one***
I need to do a post for Alikah's birthday soon, so I was going to do an update about everyone before that, but laying in bed last night and then today thinking about it I kept thinking about how I still need to do the hospital post.

But Im not ready.

Theres still so much about it that I get lost thinking about. 
I have nightmares a lot. 
I get these really weird feelings sometimes that I am still dead. 

Ever since that all happened it seems like a lot of things have happened that have almost been too good? I dont mean to say that life is going so amazingly great that the only explanation is that I really did die and none of this is real. Because trust me, a lot has still gone wrong. 

I dont want to put it all on God and praying, ONLY because the Lindsay before all of this happened would read that and be like, "What a bunch of bullshit."
But I do pray every night now, and it seems like God, or someone, is listening. 

Some things you can pray every night for though, and its never going to make a difference. 
Because its not up to God. 

Theres still so much in my head that I just feel like I either cant write it down and explain it correctly....or I just want to keep it to myself..
See this post is all over the place I dont even know how to go about it. 

For awhile I was kind of mad. I was mad that we moved back to here, It seemed like it had been a mistake. I really missed Campbellsport, Spencer never even wanted to move, Alikah really missed it, we paid less to live in our nice house there then we do in our small 2 bedroom apartment here. People that said they wanted to help, werent. I wasnt seeing people as much as I thought I would. I went back to my favorite doctor who is equal distance away from here than she is from Campbellsport. 
It just seemed like a stupid move and I wanted to go home. 

But  I like it here. Its small, its cozy, easy to clean.
Its close to stores and everything else.
I do see my family more.
Both my sisters are engaged. I got to take engagement photos for one of them. 
Alikahs likes her 2nd new school. Shes making friends. 
The boys have never really cared haha.
And I got a job here. I work 2 hours most days, when Spencer gets home. I really like it. 
Im trying to get disability or else I dont know what Im going to do. We cannot afford all the medical bills I get and we definitely cannot afford my insulin. 
Im still getting used to being sick. My new normal. 
Im still not used to be tired all the time no matter what. 
Im not used to doing like one thing and then wanting to be in bed the entire next day. 
I seem to forget how sick I am/That Im even sick until Im at a doctors appointment. 
And then Im like, oh, right, thats me they are talking about. Theyre talking about me.. 

I was going to save these for the "hospital post" but Im really not sure if that will ever be written...
But still, for the most part, I am positive. I try really hard to be...just because I AM so happy that I am alive. I thank God everyday for letting me live and giving me a second chance that I dont believe I deserve. 

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