The Tao of Forgiveness

Just wanted to share some of my favorites stories/meditations from this book. Every chapter has a story the author wrote, his thoughts about it, an exercise to do yourself and then a mediation. I found this book while looking at the Buddhism books at our library, which is what Im interested in. They are different from each other, but I still really enjoyed this book. I skipped over some parts of it (the exercises after every chapter, mainly because I read it laying in bed) but it was still a very relaxing & easy read. I think its going to end up long, but trust me its worth the read!! I shortened some and all are copywrited to the author of course.

Is there a gate

between myself and joy?

Am I forever outside

or am I already home?

Do I need forgiveness

or am I already forgiven?

Do I need to forgive,

or merely open my eyes?

"It is said that when the heavenly powers gathered at their huge conference table and considered the evolution of humans on planet Earth, they had great concerns over the erratic behavior of these particular beings. On the one hand, the courage and occasional unselfish love that humans demonstrated clearly called a reward from heaven. On the other hand, their tendency to behave with fearful selfishness indicated that they merited heavens' punishment.

The powers debated for long hours trying to decide which course of action was most appropriate. Finally, one junior member cut through the debate and said, "Lets begin with the reward. I suggest that we bless them with a mind that is capable of remembering and imagining. That way they can learn from the past and anticipate the future. Therefore they will be able to plan and create great wonders."

Then they turned their attention to the appropriate punishment. "How shall we punish them?" they asked. The junior member spoke quietly with a trace of sadness.

"We already have," he said, "the blessing is also the punishment."

Blessings and peace to all in me

who are disappointed.

Blessings and peace to all in me

who feel they have disappointed others.

There is no one in the boat.

It seems so personal and hurts so much,

someone must be wrong.

But, there is no one in the boat.

I am not here to be right

and make other people wrong.

I am here to pay attention

and let my tao mind show the way.

There is no one in the boat.

(Sisyphus is pushing a boulder up a mountain over and over and trying to get it to stay on the top, but it keeps rolling down)

One day Sisyphus descended the mountain and found an old man leaning against the boulder, looking at him with a sad smile.

"Who are you?" Sisyphus asked the man.

"A friend," the old man said. "Why are you pushing this boulder up the hill?"

"It is what I have to do," replied Sisyphus. "I am being punished for my arrogance, pride, and sinfulness. But once I can get the boulder to remain on the top of the mountain, I will be free."

"I see," said the old man. "And is there a place for the boulder to rest on top of the mountain?"

"I havent found one yet," admitted Sisyphus.

"I see," said the old man.

(He then pushed the boulder back up the mountain and and realizes it was a solid peak and there was no where for the boulder to rest)

"It will always roll back down,"he thought. (The boulder and him go back down the mountain, he tells the old man that no, there isnt anywhere it will rest. He walks around the valley with the old man.)

Before you could begin his trek he asked the old man, "What is your name?"

"My name is Freedom." said the man.

"Will I see you again?" said Sisyphus over his shoulder as he began to push the boulder.

"Every time you come down the mountain," said the man.

"Each unique moment, each unique thread of life, passes from direct experience into the ball of memories so quickly that its color and texture goes unnoticed. It becomes wadded rather than woven, and life becomes a snarl instead of a tapestry."

If we could, through our conditioned mind, get it "right," we would have done it by now.

a teenager and a dinosaur

Alikah

Alikah is starting preschool either next week or the first week of October! All we have left to do is stop by the doctors office so they can sign a paper and then well be set. She is soooo excited to finally go to school! 

She is going half days and will do alphabet/writing, math (I wrote meth first. ha), science projects, crafts, quiet time, music, outside, days of the week/weather/etc...

Certain facial expressions she does along with the attitude? She is 13. I keep saying, "Oh my god, you are such a teenager!" and she says, "No Im not! Im just a little kid!" 

She wants to do everything by herself. Something Spencer and I both used to get so annoyed at was her coming out of her room at night time and asking us to turn her music back on. The other week while I was reading to her she randomly tells me that she climbed onto her desk and turned her music on all by herself. WHY didnt I think of that? All I had to do was put her music somewhere she could reach it! Now Spencer & I dont have to deal with it. Everyones happy! She also: turns on and off her fan, puts movies in herself, picks out her undies in the morning and put them on, takes off her clothes before bath and bed (she doesnt put them on. Well, she could do shorts. Pants/shirts not yet, but she is showing interest), puts her Ovaltine in her cup, puts salt on her food.....she moves stools all over to reach things herself and she always wants to watch us cook. Oh and she figured out a way to climb over the baby gate which is nice because I dont have to go lift her over it or take it down 100 times a day. 

Playing: Her imagination is in full swing. Shes always talking to toys or imaginary friends (Jack and Jake), playing chef/doctor/teaching the bad guy to be a good guy/mommy/water park. She sets up detailed scenarios for her Barbies and loves to play with them. Drawing and writing. Plays great with Harper when she feels like it. They just started wrestling. The other day Spencer and I were upstairs for a minute and when we came back down, Harpers pants were off? and they were wrestling. Alikah said she grabbed him by the legs to "yank him back" but "his pants just came off!"

TV: Doc McStuffins. She called it "Mixed Up Muffins" for the longest time which was pretty funny. Spongebob with Spencer. Driver Dan's Story Train. Tickety Toc. And the old favorites, too. 

Books: She really likes the Pinkilicious series right now. Fly Guy series. 

She can memorize a book after hearing it once and is always, always listening. She can mimic me perfectly. The other day after I told her to eat all of her food she replied, "I will! Just, like, relax ok?"

Other things I say that shes repeated lately...

"Its not a big deal." 

"Doesnt matter." 

"I am not yelling at you. I am just trying to explain." 

"Harper. Dont pull my hair. Its not nice. I tell you this every. day." 

An example of how she torments me:

Alikah: Im gonna put my feet on you.

Me: Dont.

Alikah: If you dont let me i'm gonna suck on my toe.

Me: Ohmygod...

And an example of how she fills my heart:

Alikah: Mom? You know how you came in my room before and yelled at me? You shouldnt do that a lot because its just mean. 

Me: I know. Thats why I came back in, I felt bad. Im sorry.

Alikah: Its ok Mom! I love you! I forgive you!

Harper

Harper still wants to explore everything. He is fearless. Climbs up and on anything. He would plop himself right into a pool if allowed (and probably start swimming.) Wants to eat everything and hasnt found many foods that he doesnt like. He uses bowls and plates now! Meaning that instead of just looking at it like "what the fuck is this for?" and then dumping all his food out, he will actually eat the food off of it! But, when he decides hes done eating he likes to make it known by staring you right in the eye while he throws the rest of his food on the ground. On purpose, though! If its not cleaned up immediately he will wander back over there when hes hungry again (5 minutes) and eat it off the floor. Or he'll just climb onto the table and finish Alikah's for her. He is also trying very hard to use a real fork. He is going from hands to fork, none of that baby utensils nonsense for him.

His facial expressions are hilarious. Scrunch face is still my favorite, but hes got a few new ones that are pretty great. He loves music, dancing, walking, playing with spices, screaming like a dinosaur, making us laugh, climbing the stairs, cars, car rides, walks, baths, his crib, and throwing everything in the garbage.

Harper is learning through copying. Alikah especially. It is adorable. Its by far my favorite thing right now - watching the two of them play together, and then seeing Harper doing it himself the next day. Example: Yesterday Alikah took this little pumpkin bucket and filled it up with play food/"treats." Today Harper saw the bucket, looked in it, realized it was empty and ran into the play room. I had know idea what he was doing until he came out with his arms full of play food. He went and got it to fill the bucket.

I think he might be growing out of his shyness. He was very social and outgoing at Stefanies rehearsals and wedding. He has no problem walking up to strangers and saying hey. 

We also witnessed him worrying about a boy at the library. Alikah and this boy were fighting over a ball. Alikah brought it in, the boy wanted it, Spencer told the boy he could have it, Alikah cried, the boy's mom gave the ball back to Alikah, then the boy cried. Enter Harper. Hes just watching this all happen and at the end when the boys laying on the floor crying he walks over, squats down next to him, and pats his back. Made me proud.

He is a daddys boy. He gets so excited to see him and is seriously his shadow when hes home. It seems like he knows when Spencer is getting ready for work and he will just follow him, whining and pulling on his pants. Then he cries by the door when he leaves. 

But when Dadas not home if he wants to cuddle he has no choice but to cuddle with me :)

This is a daily thing lately, mostly because of the constant teething. Speaking of teething - He has 12 or 13 teeth now. Its impossible to really check because hes not letting my fingers anywhere near his mouth. 

This entry is really for me. I write a lot of stuff down but I know I still forget so much. I feel like there is so much more I need to say here. I could go on and on forever, especially lately. 

Im pregnant and hormonal so I could get very emotional here if I wanted. 

Just checking on them before I go to bed is enough to make me cry. 

I have to do it quick - in and out - or I could stand there staring all night. 

Alikah says

Me: Wanna do the dishes for me?
Alikah: Me? Im too small to do the dishes. *Disappointed sigh*


Alikah: Hey Harper whaddya got there?
Me: He ate his supper. Yours is still on the table.
Alikah: But I dont like it
Alikah: ...nothing wrong with that.

"Can I see your boooobs? Oooh very interesting"

Spencer: I dont want a d-i-v-o-r-c-e 

Me: You wont get one youll be d-e-a-d 

Alikah: MOM STOP BEING MEAN TO DADDY
*it was funny that she picked up on it even though we didnt say it

Me: Button *pokes belly button*

Alikah: Thats my on button off button

Me: What should I do?

Alikah: Vacuum!

Me: What do I want?

Alikah: Coffeee!

"Mom!! Can you fix my undies they are up so high!"

Alikah: Mom you should come clean up this mess you made in my room.

Me: I made a mess?

Alikah: Yeah, a little one. 

Me: Haha okay MOM one second..

Alikah: ......Mom you shouldn't be mean to yourself.

Me: Alikah, do you want brothers and sisters?

Alikah: I want 100 brothers and sisters! But some are still at the other homes.

(This was so cute to me because we want to adopt, so it makes sense in a way.)

"Theres a dead mouse over there mom. Stabler killed it. Hes a really good hunter."

Then later, when Spencer was moving it: "Awww hes just a little guy. He lost his family."

Alikah: Whats that!

Me: Just the test. (Tornados sirens test every week)

Alikah: To see if the world is working?

Alikah: Buts its hot!

Me: Whats hot?

Alikah: The WORLD!

Alikah: Im sick.

Me: What do you need?

Alikah: Well cookies make every little kid feel better. Or maybe just a donut.

Alikah: Im bored.

Me: Only boring people get bored.

Alikah: Im boring.